Some pictures

Here are some lovely photos from Gideon’s angel day and birthday

This is Benedict with Gideon’s balloon. He played with it a lot. So a photo was hard to get.

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This is Gideon’s Angel Day cake. I spent a long time trying to get it right. The arc was supposed to be a rainbow, but I ran out of time…And it kept falling apart.

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We went to the beach as it was a lovely day, and had a picnic. beach(c) chair(c) hat(c)

 

We tried to have a lovely day for Gideon. As if he were with us. But I can always feel very keenly, the lack of Gideon’s physical presence on beautiful sunny days like that. I miss him. A lot.

If you are new to baby loss, I want you to know that it does get…easier, the pain is still there, I still miss him a lot, but the rawness has gone, that huge gaping raw hole has somehow become less…consuming.

At the start, when the world seems so cruel, and devastating and you don’t even want to wake up up in the morning and the grief is this clawing animal ripping your heart to shreds with every breath, you can’t imagine ever living a “normal” life with that kind of loss. But you do. I still miss my Gideon, every day. It isn’t just something I say, I don’t just remember him on his special days. I actually think about him every day of my life. His picture is up on the walls of almost every room, I remember him. I think about him. I love him. I miss him.

And somehow time keeps moving forward, taking me further and further away from the year that we met and said goodbye.

And even when the memories start to fade, and the little pieces of the days we spent together become less clear in my mind, and the evocative memory of his smell, his warmth, his tiny hands…even when all of that is a struggle to unearth from my mind, I still love him.

Eternally.

 

Happy Angel Day My Gideon

Three years ago today, we made the hardest decision we have ever made. I never even imagined having to make the choice to end my child’s suffering, but we did. I know that it will never get easier to deal with his death, but I know that he is never ever forgotten. My little boy gave me such joy in his short life and I miss him every day. Wherever he is, I hope he knows how much we love him.

Today, this article came up on my newsfeed, from StillStanding Magazine. Of all days to see this article, I needed it today. It was like a small message from my Gideon. It gave me a little bit of peace.

We had a nice day. We went to the beach, we had cake (photos to come tomorrow) and we remembered. I haven’t been able to go to the grave, due to so many things happening at once, including the car needed repairs, so we can’t drive. But next week, I will finally go and visit him, and do some weeding and tidying, show his grave some love.

My Gideon. Thank you for giving us the 17 days, thank you for coming to us and being our little boy, thank you for showing me true strength and love. Thank you for our rainbow. Have fun in the clouds little warrior.  Mummy  x

General Waffle Update (no waffles included)

I’ve been using a wheelchair and crutches to get around the last few days, but thanks to some ankle splints (on both ankles) and lots of rest and elevation, they have been healing much faster than last time I sprained an ankle (which took months). I’m still not able to walk properly, but I can at least bear weight on my worst ankle (my right), but not put my foot down completely, for some reason I can’t put my big toe down when I walk. But I am hopeful that I will get full use back in the coming weeks. And not fall down any more stairs. I still shudder to think what would have happened if I’d been holding Benedict.

Benedict has been particularly whiny recently, I think he is getting molars, but it still drives me batty. Although today I asked him to stop whining and tell me what he wanted and he said “dat cup,” and pointed at a cup. I gave him the cup and he threw water all over me. Sigh, but at least the stopped whining. And then later when he was whining I asked him again and he said “go out,” and once hubby opened the living room door he ran to the front door, but it was nap time, so I guess we are hobbling out later :)

It’s nice that he is speaking more, his babbling is really coming along. For so long all he has said is “dat dat dat” and screeched, now it’s more vowel and consonant sounds and attempts to make words and small sentences. It’s fascinating how they develop!

My husband has been made redundant. Again. The last three jobs he has been made redundant, through no fault of his own, companies going out of business, moving, or losing contracts, but THREE!! I know there’s been a recession, but still, this one lasted three whole years and although he fervently hated it, he was at least working nights, so he was home during the day when I was on bedrest and when Benedict was born. Little Benedict is going to get a shock if daddy works days and isn’t around all the time. If anyone out there wants to employ him he is a skilled driver, and qualified domestic electrician – he just can’t find work as the former (or any other work for that matter), and has no hands-on experience of the latter. Today he had his meeting about the redundancy package, three weeks (one for every week he worked there) and a week for the notice period. Not a lot of money at all.

And I was so hoping to go on holiday this year, I was thinking of renting a holiday cottage, or flat. Because I’m just not sure how I could go camping with Benedict running around as he is, I’d never be able to keep him in our camp. I’ve been looking for some (real) work at home opportunities to bring in a little extra money. I used to simply do freelance writing, but it’s very hard to do that with Benedict around. I applied to work at Lionbridge, but apparently, since I live in Wales, I either have to apply for the Welsh version – where I need to speak fluent Welsh, or nothing. I don’t speak fluent Welsh. But maybe something similar? Any ideas?

Anyhow, how about a nice picture of Benedict sitting in a chair reading. He climbed up there himself to read his magazine on animals. He is very serious about his interests in animals. 10003205_10151938968187610_406638087_n

Body Clock Confusion

I really dislike the clocks changing. Benedict now goes to bed later, and isn’t in bed until 8pm, rather than 7pm. Which isn’t that bad I guess, except then his naps are all messed up during the day, and my body clock is annoyed and I have no idea when to sleep. It’s 10:40pm and I don’t even feel ready for bed, but I need to go to bed because I don’t get much sleep with the PAIN in my ankles.

Also Benedict is getting the dreaded molars! Eek! He is very cranky, and I can’t even take him out at the moment, because I can’t walk. He did enjoy going out for Gideon’s birthday and helping us release a balloon. He wanted to go paddling in the sea too. Even though it’s very cold, he still loves it and I think he will have a great time in summer, even if that means I have to cover up completely and use a parasol, I will take him to the beach.

I wont get to visit Gideon’s grave until this ankles heal a little bit, I will hopefully manage it before his angel’s day. I feel guilty about it, but there is no way I can make the journey in this much pain.

And his cake was not exactly a success. I tried to make it gluten and dairy free so Benedict could eat some, but it was horrid and dense, and my icing colours have gone crazy so it looks weird. And well, it was just 80% frosting. Yuck! So I’m hoping to make a better attempt at the angel day cake…if I can sit down while I do it. I’ll upload a picture of the birthday cake tomorrow, not my best work. But I can laugh about it. I should never attempt frosting, I am just no good at it.

And I should now go to bed. It’s going to take me half an hour to climb those stairs!

Double Ouch!

Yesterday, I fell down some concrete stairs. That sounds bad, I know. I was having a bad flare day, and I just sort of…fell over and down the stairs. I was lucky that I wasn’t holding Benedict at the time. I have however injured BOTH ankles. Yes, not one, but BOTH. I cannot walk. My left ankle is painful, feels like a average sprain, but my right is agony, it hurts constantly, I cannot bear weight on it at all, and even a blanket rubbing on it hurts. So, really, I’m sitting here, unable to do anything at all, while my husband has gone out to do some shopping with Benedict.

I feel awful. This is a hard time of year, and it’s been a difficult year so far anyway, and now all I can do is sit here, with my feet elevated, and try not to get bored or feel to guilty that I can’t look after my son!

So I’m pretty annoyed to say the least. Annoyed and angry that I can’t even safely walk down stairs any more. And in a lot of pain. I’m breastfeeding, so can’t take much more than paracetamol anyway.

Ah well, maybe I’ll get some writing done – and drawing! Exciting stuff this is!

Third Heaven Birthday

Happy Birthday my Gideon

My little Giddy angel…three years ago today I met you for the first time. You were so small, gorgeously cute  but you seemed so fragile. I had no idea just how strong you were, and how much fight you had.

Your strength gives me strength, even in the hardest times. It’s not been an easy year so far and I don’t expect it to get any easier. But I know your strength Gideon, is with me always.

I miss you little man, I miss you so much. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. I hope you are having a wonderful time in heaven eating clouds and making rainbows with all the other angel babies.

You are my inspiration. Thank you for coming to us and fighting to stay as long as you could.

You are never forgotten sweet angel. Never.

You are rejoiced.

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It is March

As this month sneaks up on me, with the 30th March approaching fast. my mind turns to the little boy missing in our chaotic lives. My mind knows that this time 3 years ago I was in hospital, pregnant, desperately hoping for a good outcome. I don’t need to calculate the dates for my mind to know this, I just get a feeling, that ache that is always there, but it gets stronger, it takes over my whole body. It reminds me of those feelings, that hurt, that fear, that desperation.

The intense missing of little Gideon.

These next couple of months are always hard for me. I want to celebrate him, remember him – every single cell of his tiny body. Every moment we spent together. But I ache for him, the loss of my little angel, the boy that had everything stacked against him, but still fought like a warrior.

I spend most of the year telling myself to try and find peace with everything that happened, and then I approach this date, and a frenzy of emotions overwhelms me. I want to do everything, I want to celebrate him in a thousand ways and remember him in every moment of our lives. I miss him, I long for him. I ache to hold him in my arms again.

I look at my little earth boy – Benedict, my wonderful, ever-spirited rainbow, running around the house squeaking hyperactively, and I see the shadow of what could have been – should have been. The older brother hyper alongside him, causing chaos and making mummy exhausted. I sometimes see Gideon in him still, even though Benedict is so much bigger now. I can’t even begin to imagine just how small my Gideon was. When Benedict holds little Giddy bear, and I remember that Giddy bear was as big as Gideon, I can’t fathom it.

To me. My Gideon…was as tall as mountains. And just as strong.

And even in the hardest day, the longest day, the most spirited, determined of toddler days. There are always moments of wonder and beauty and not a day passes where I don’t think of him and thank him for that, even if the thought is in passing. I think of him, I acknowledge him, he is as much a part of my daily thought processes as getting out of bed, eating, changing nappies…breathing.

Yes, especially breathing, because even when I’m not consciously thinking of him, consciously remembering, even when I’m too caught up in the daily chaos of life to stop and think, I am still remembering.

He is ingrained in my heart.