I feel like my life is divided into two: Pre pPROM and post pPROM. Before pPROM we were this happy, excited couple, so thrilled at the idea of being parents. We’d been though many hard times and expected pregnancy to be hard, but we’d made it past all the danger points and had actually begun to believe we were going to get our happy ending. We were innocent and we believed, then this terrible event and welcome post pPROM. Suddenly we have to face the reality that the universe isn’t fair, that there really is no happy endings, that ANYTHING can happen, and it will.
I always believed I was unlucky, but now…I can barely fathom the idea that all this has happened to me. But then I think of those 17 days, I had them, I had 17 days with the most fantastic and amazing baby in the world. I am mother to an angel, Gideon was and is special. I had that. That makes me luck, not unlucky. But I still should’ve got to bring my boy home, I fell that this wasn’t how it was supposed to end. I always believed in fate and destiny, I always…knew when bad things were going to happen. No on ever died in my family without me “knowing” first. Sixth sense, psychic, intution, whatever you want to call it, I knew when bad things were going to happen…except this time. This time, there was no warning, no sense of dread, no feeling, nothing. pPROM was mostly a huge surprise to me, and I’m not used to surprises! The only inkling I got was a moment of clarity where I said (jokingly) to Gideon inside me, when I’d had some pain, “we’re not even 24 weeks yet, you need to hold on for another couple of weeks” an hour later my waters broke. And I’d had some dream of Gideon being born prematurely, but not of him dying, and they didn’t seem prophetic dreams, and every pregnant women gets those type of dreams so I thought nothing of it.
But I felt no knowledge at all, the day my Gideon died I had no inkling that this would be the day I lost my boy. I did not feel his death before it came.
But the omens. I never really believed in omens, but I think back and there were some. In the couple of weeks before pPROM, every plant died in my house. Every plant, even my “lucky” bamboo I’d had for years, my mother managed to rescue one after I was in hospital, but literally all my plants up and died at once for no reason. I even got a carbon monoxide detector in case that was causing it. I remember saying to JD, “that can’t be a good sign,” but it was jokingly, it wasn’t serious. But I think back, and it was strange, it was more than strange it was frightening. Every plant dying?
Then two days before I lost my Gideon, we were sitting in the conservatory of the house attached to the hospital, with my mother. and we looked out and saw a single raven. He was watching us, he was alone, he was staring at us! I was surprised, not having seen many ravens before, especially not here. I asked “are ravens bad luck” because I knew they were, and we all sort of brushed it off. Raven’s, the so-called carriers of the soul. He sat and watched us until we left.
These are just some thoughts that keep occurring to me, it’s good to get thoughts out. This pre and post pPROM is confusing me, I am actually struggling to place events, the weeks in hospital seem surreal, so I will remember doing something and have to think if it happened pre-pPROM because it seems like it happened yesterday. It is almost like I can just remove that pPROM chunk of time from my life and I could still be pregnant, if that makes any sense. I just want to be pregnant again actually, I didn’t at first, but now I just want it so badly, and I know I can’t of course, not for a while, and not until the consultant actually does some tests and we have a plan for the next pregnancy. Who knows if I even can get pregnant again, we tried for so long, it may have just been a fluke getting pregnant that one time.
So many thoughts. All normal of course.
I will write what happened on the day of my pPROM soon, that my be therapeutic since I keep going over and over it in my head.