I’m having trouble wanting to do anything, other than sitting around staring at my computer and thinking about Gideon. I’m not getting very much else done, no work, and no assignments. I have my last assignment due in with the Open University in a few days and I still haven’t read the book. It’s all sciency and confusing to my addled brain. But I hate the idea of doing the entire year but 1 assignment and then giving up. So, got to try and read sciency, brainy things.
Also can never really be bothered leaving the house much, it seems like such hard work. I know it’s the grieving, while I was pregnant, and when Gideon was alive, he motivated me, he was my entire motivation to do anything. Why clean? Because Gideon will be coming home in a few months. Why eat healthily? Because Gideon needs me to be healthy? It was all for Gideon, now it’s hard to motivate myself at all. I am trying though, especially as I want to have a brother or sister for my Gideon, and I wont be able to do that much during the next pregnancy, until I’m sure my cervix is holding.
I think I’m ovulating tomorrow, my OPK (Ovulation predication kit) looks positive, or almost positive today, which is surprising as I thought it wasn’t going to happen. It was why it took so long to conceive Gideon, I had problems ovulating on my own, and there was no telling when it would come, and I couldn’t afford endless OPK’s, they aren’t cheap. So, hopefully I will ovulate this month and get my cycles back on track and start trying for that brother or sister for Gideon. It’s the only thing I actually feel motivated to do at the moment.
I plan on stopping pumping next wednesday. I’ve been cutting down, but I’m still getting a fair amount of milk, but I think it’s time to stop. Luckily for the human milk bank, there is an entire freezer FULL of milk, enough for a LOT of babies. They sent me a letter saying all my tests were negative, but they didn’t say anything else, like how I get the stuff picked up. I’m nearly out of bottles as well, so it seems a good time to stop, feels weird though, I am so used to pumping, I’ve been doing it for ages! Hopefully my milk will come in easier next time, or even more hopefully, I might actually be able to breastfeed rather than need to pump? Dreams….