Good thing I wasn’t optimistic

My temp dropped today, heading for my usual 9 day LP. At least I didn’t hold out too much hope, but there was a tiny, little piece of me that was hopeful. And now I have to face the reality that it’s another month gone. I wonder to myself just how long it will take to conceive, I know this is only my second actual ovulatory month since the birth, but I just remember how long it took last time and I am filled with a sick dread that it’s going to take years and years. YEARS! I don’t know what to do really, I don’t want to wait years for my take home baby. And even if I do get pregnant, then what? Trying to persuade my consultant to do a cerclage? A 1 in 5 chance of losing another one, it’s all so overwhelming. I am not in a good mood today, probably because I’m 2 days away from the end of my cycle.

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I shall not be temped into optimism!

My temperature was high this morning, after a very low dip yesterday at 6dpo. Those in the know will understand why this might cause optimism. However, I shall not be tempted into feeling hopeful and excited. Mainly because I feel feverish, I think I ate something that upset my stomach, which isn’t hard to do. I’ll see what the temp does tomorrow, as I’m expecting my period in 3 days anyway. It could be a little longer because of my vitamin B6 and progesterone cream, but I’ll know by the temps. Last time my temps were near 37 C when pregnant as opposed to 35.6.

Anyway, as I said I refuse to get excited this time, last month I felt so nauseous and gaggy, and my temp slowly dropped and then on the day of my period it suddenly jumped up and my period came anyway.

So, staying calm and realistic. 6dpo would be kind of early for implantation anyway, especially as on Gideon’s cycle it was 8-9dpo.

If I don’t get pregnant this cycle, I’m going to the doctor and trying to get metformin, to help me along, especially with weight loss which I’m struggling with. And I have a dentist appointment in a couple of weeks, I went yesterday but he asked if there was any chance I was pregnant and I couldn’t exactly lie so I told him we were trying and he refused to do any x-rays or treatment. He says to come back if I’m not pregnant, otherwise just live with the pain. Luckily I’m used to just living with pain.

I was starting with my monthly “flare” yesterday, felt like I’d been run over by a truck. Wish I could figure out what was causing these “flares” and if there were related to what happened in Gideon’s pregnancy. But the doctor’s think I’m mad, so mad I had a really, really rare and unexplained pregnancy complication (insert eye rolling here).

Another blog reminded me I haven’t finished writing or uploaded my pPROM story or Gideon’s birth story, both on my to do list by the way. Watch this space, so to speak.

Almost certainly ovulated

I got my crosshairs today. To those not in the charting circles, that means my temperatures have risen enough to show a biphasic pattern, meaning I have ovulated. Now all I have to do is wait for about 7-8 days to discover if my AF is coming at its usual 9 days past ovulation, (DPO) or if it will hold out a little longer. I am going to try to hold out testing for pregnancy until 12dpo, or at least 11, but preferably 12, because if I can get that far then there is at least a good chance something is going on in there. I don’t feel very hopeful this cycle though, perhaps because we were expecting to ovulate when we did. It was 3 days early, which may not sound like a lot, but I’ve never ovulated before cycle day 21 before. I can’t even imagine actually getting pregnant I don’t think. It’s sort of an impossible dream, or the start of one.

What I don’t understand is why I am suddenly gaining weight and pretty fast, I’ve gained 4 pounds in the last week and a half, and I’ve been on my feet almost constantly because of my niece and nephew. I can’t even begin to understand the logic in gaining weight because of exercise. I still have a lot of weight to lose and need to keep up with the weight loss. They’ve all been sat there eating ice cream, and I’ve had nothing because I can’t eat dairy. Just another annoyance, I wouldn’t think vitamin B would cause me to gain weight.

Now I’m just bored and rambling.

Do I regret it?

This is the one question I have asked myself over and over again. Do I regret my decision to remove Gideon’s vent? It’s a touchy topic with me, because some days I  will say that yes, I do regret it, and other days  I will say that I did the best thing I could for my son. But it’s really a combination of both of those. I regret making the decision when I did. I should have spent more time making that choice and insisted on them allowing me to Kangaroo care him on his vent, if just to allow both me and Gideon to experience it. I should have held him a few more times, vent and all. They didn’t allow holding while on vent, but I should’ve insisted upon it, and then made the decision, because nothing could have been done. I just have to remember the last day, seeing him have constant seizures, over and over again, his whole body one giant twitch, even on three types of sedation, I just have to remember that to know that I did the best thing I could as a mummy. I was kind, I loved him.

I asked myself if I was keeping him here because of him or me. It used to be for his own good, so he could live and have a good life. But at the end, I was holding on because I wanted him, I wanted him to stay around, it wasn’t in his best interests at all. And that’s how I knew I was making the right choice.

But it doesn’t stop the guilt, I know that. Could he have made it? Could his oxygen sats have suddenly improved? Could his seizures have stopped somehow? Could I have persuaded the doctors to tap his brain to relieve the pressure? Would it have even helped? Would it have just caused unnecessary suffering? I’ll never know the answers to these questions, but I rest easier knowing that I did give Gideon the choice, and the choice I made in the end was for him, not for me. I showed my humanity, and I let him go, as much as I wanted him to stay.

But really, would I do it again, if I went back right now to that day? Despite knowing all this, the answer is simply, no. Not because I think I did the wrong thing for Gideon, but because I would be unable to let him go, not that day at least. No, I would hold him a lot, I would cuddle him and kangaroo care him, and then see where that road took us. In the end the same decision would need to be made, I know that. But I would hold him as he had his fits, and tell him how much I love him. But I couldn’t make that decision that day. And if that makes me weak, then I am weak.

So, do I regret it? No, I regret not holding him more before making the decision, but I do not regret letting him become an angel. He is happy and at peace, and feels no pain. That pain is all ours, and I will bear it a hundredfold for the time I spent with my little boy.

Early ovulation

Somehow my vitamin b6 worked and I ovulated three days early on day 18. Well I think I did, my temp was up this morning and two days ago I had a positive ovulation test. I usually ovulate day 21-25. So here begins the wait to see if it was successful and now long my luteal phase will be. I don’t feel.hopeful this cycle though.

Babysitting

I am currently babysitting my niece and nephew, which unfortunately seems to coincide with ovulation. I’ve just got a positive digital ovulation test, and we have to start trying asap. Of course the children upstairs have other ideas.

Other than that though, we’ve had a nice week, taken them crab fishing, to the seaside, tie dying and clay making. Watching how happy they were at the beach, running in the waves, oblivious to the world around them, made me miss my Gideon even more. I had these images of taking my little boy to the beach, watching him play in the sand and build sandcastles, and just enjoying living by the sea. I think Gideon would have loved the sea, just like his mummy and daddy.

I hope they have the sea in heaven.