Gideon’s Balloon

Gideon was 5 months old yesterday. Today we sent him a balloon, a golden star

Gideon's Balloon

Balloon with writing on

We wrote on the back, “just for you my son, my little angel boy, I hope you find it fun, and it brings you lots of joy” and then we walked up into Snowdonia and released it for him.

Goodbye Balloon

We watched it float away, and I felt like I was letting go of some of my pain and sorrow. It floated for a while, like Gideon was flying with it, then suddenly began going upwards into the clouds, like Gideon was taking it with him, to show Granddad.  I managed to get glitter on me from the writing, but strangely only on the scar on my forehead. No, not a Harry Potter Scar, mine is a “got hit by a taxi scar.”

I think the glitter is angel kisses. Gideon kissing me to thank me for the balloon, and for being his mummy. xx


Another cycle gone

I’m pretty sure I’m out this cycle, my temp has dropped, although it never rose much in the first place. I expect my cycle to end within the week.

At least that gives me the opportunity to get my teeth sorted out, without worrying about being pregnant. But it’s still a pretty hard hit to take. I feel such disappointment every time I see another failed cycle, I ask myself how much longer I have to wait until it’s my turn.

Me, the childless mother, waiting for another chance, and not knowing if or when it will come. I see women getting pregnant in their first cycle trying and bringing home a healthy baby, and I can’t help but think…why them? Why do they get to sail through life while I must climb endless mountains?

I try and tell myself that my trials have meaning, but what meaning is there in the death of an innocent baby?

And then I ask myself, what meaning would my life have without a child? Can I make meaning without ever having a take-home baby? I know these questions should be reserved until I’ve tried every possible fertility option, much further down the road, but I’m not sure I’d want to go down that road: IUI and IVF and drugs and procedures. Before getting pregnant with Gideon, I had no intention of going down that path. I was prepared to try some fertility drugs, but not the IVF route, now though, all I can think about it how amazing it felt to hold Gideon, knowing he was mine, and we made him. And I feel like I MUST have that, that I must find it again, something amazing has been dangled in front of me and snatched away, leaving me hopelessly obsessed with finding it again.

Oh cruel, cruel world.

Strangest things

Today, whilst reading a book, I came across a character named Gideon. It’s such a rare name, I hardly ever come across it. But to see it there written on the page in front of me, took my breath away.

I stopped, I reread it. My heart raced a little. Gideon. Just that name in the unexpected context of a book. It literally took my breath away.

It gave me a small thrill to read his name in a book. Like it was him, my Gideon, not an obscure character in a novel.

And I imagined how often I would have seen his name written, had he lived.  How often I would have written it. Gideon. Gideon. Gideon.

Every time they mentioned Gideon in the book after this, I had to stop, my heart would race. I was thrilled but conversely jealous, that’s my name, that’s my boy. He wouldn’t do that or say that.

The strangest things. That beautiful name, so perfect, I love saying it, hearing it, seeing it. But its my name. My Gideon’s name. If I have another son, I will give him Gideon as a middle name, to honour his older brother. But that name will always be Gideon’s alone.

How could they miss this?

My last visit to the dentist came as a bit of a shock. I’ve been having tooth pain for ages, but after 2 dentists and several xrays showed “nothing wrong”  and I had “good oral hygiene” I assumed it was nothing but my flares acting up again.

Then, in a lot of pain, I went back. My usual dentist was away, the stand=in dentist took xrays and looked at my gums.

On his screen he showed me the xrays. I saw a mottled appearance in the gums, he explained these were “pockets” filled with bacteria, I had an infection entering the bone on one side and already starting on the other, degrading the structures keeping my teeth attached.  These were causing me my problems. He said I need a scale and polish. I only just consulted Dr Google  today to discover…

I have Periodonitis!  An advanced form of gum disease which is irreversible.

And by the looks of my xray, pretty badly too!

Firstly, I brush my teeth twice a day with my electric tooth brush, I use mouth wash. I don’t floss though because my teeth are tightly packed and it hurts for days afterwards.

But I do take care of my teeth.

Secondly, this is treated immediatly with metronidazole. Metronidazole, the antibiotic I was on for 2-3 weeks in pregnancy!! Considering how long it takes to develop this problem, this badly, I don’t understand how this was not treated by 2-3 weeks of that drug!

Thirdly…well thirdly is explained by this, Pregnancy and Gum disease . Periodonitis, especially as bad as mine is is a cause of preterm labour and low birth weight infants, because  the bacteria in the blood stream released a hormone that can cause the uterus to contract. I know that it probably wasn’t this that caused the problem, but it doesn’t stop the whirlwind of emotions, the huge swirling vortex of guilt.

They are going to do a scale and root planing next Tuesday.

Because of the release of bacteria, it may not be safe in pregnancy. I wont know whether I’m pregnant until next Thursday. If I don’t do this the risks are high anyway, but…I’m guessing they wont do it if I could be pregnant, they refused me any treatment last time,  because I was in the two week wait.

Forthly, I’m just plain angry. How often has this been missed by dentists? What about these “flares” could they be related? Could my illness be related to this chronic inflammation and low grade infection in my body? I always said I thought it was inflammatory and an infection. I always felt better on antibiotics, especially on my flagyl while pregnant. And when I stopped taking it…I went into labour! What if the whole sorry mess could have been prevented?

I know I’m probably reading too much into this. But I could have lost all my teeth if my dentist hadn’t been on holiday, and it’s irreversible! Such incompetence!  I know the dentist I saw underplayed it, but I mean how do I go back there knowing they missed this and actually told me that I had good oral health?

I know gum disease can happen in pregnancy, but it takes a long time to develop this, not just a few months. And not normally in someone as young as me!

I find that it’s hard to getting getting back up, when you’re constantly being kicked to the ground.








11 years!

I’ve been so absorbed in my internal world of grief, I pretty much forget my 11 year anniversary was coming up on the 4th September.

Eleven years sounds strange to me. Ten years sounded like a long time, for some reason eleven years doesn’t sound as long; it must be some strange psychological illusion. Last year we were only a month away from getting pregnant on our anniversary and didn’t even realise it – we had no idea of the sorrow to come. We went to Edinburgh and stayed at the MalMaison, somehow I managed to get us a very good deal and we were able to stay in a very nice hotel.

Malmaison Edinburgh

Malmaison Edinburgh

For the first anniversary EVER we actually had some money to spend. If you knew us, you would understand why that is so significant. We never have money over any important holidays, so anniverary, Christmas, birthdays or valentines day. As we approach these times our bank balances take a sudden downwards turn, no matter how hard we try.

This anniversary is no different. We have no money to do anything, we were going to go camping, but we can’t even afford that. So we’ll stay home and attempt to make a day of it in town, maybe have a cheap meal out if we can afford it.

Last anniversary was the exception to every rule. A celebration of a decade together. We enjoyed every second of our short holiday, our last holiday before. We were different people back then, only a year ago. Two people who didn’t realise the love of having a baby, the fantastic feeling of holding your son in your arms, or the deep, destructive pain of saying goodbye.

I wish we could go away this time, but I know it isn’t an option.

But every year, since year seven I think, I have written and had printed a book of poetry for my man. It started with a group of poems I had written to him over the years, and every year I add one more poem that signifies the experiences of the year. I almost forgot to do it completely this time, and I don’t have much time, as it needs to be shipped from the US.

I’m going to be working hard to get it done this week, so I can order it.

But I can think of one present that would be better than anything I could buy him. But I don’t expect that is likely to happen.

Pipe Dreams

My childhood smells of chlorine. Chlorine from the pool in the back garden. It also smells of cut grass, cakes, jelly beans and strangely those strange goo eggs you can buy, but I don’t know why. I think of childhood and I get images of long summers driving to Italy, camping, caravans, cycling to Sale Water Park, and lunches at Deckers and pubs, and a thousand other images.

How will childhood smell to my children? The salty smell of the ocean? Sand, sea and suntan lotion. What images will they remember from their childhood? Long summer days on the beach? Long walks in Snowdonia? Camping holidays and tie dying?

My dreams for life have always been so simple. No unrealistic dreams of millions of pounds, no giant mansions and unrealistic fame. My dreams have always been simple.

A house, a farmhouse perhaps by the sea. Me, my dearest other half and 3 maybe 4 children. Enough space for a few chickens, some ducks, a goose or two perhaps, possibly a horse or two.

A place for my family to grow up. I earn a living as a writer, I even dream of homeschooling my little ones, teaching them music and art and creativity, teaching them to write stories and poetry.

Simple dreams.

I am no closer to realising any of those dreams then I ever was. Yes, I have my house by the sea, and I cling to it with the desperation of one who realises she has very little else left. But what else? At the moment, everything I want is a pipe dream, and all I am trying for is that one thing – a family, a little baby, the rest I hope will follow, if it ever can.

Yay! Positive OPK

Positive clearblue digital ovulation test

I got this today at last, after many almost positives! I’m CD14!! Yes 14, that means I’ll probably ovulate either tomorrow or the day after either day 15 or 16, and I have NEVER ovulated that early, nor had I ever hoped to ovulate that early, vitamin b6 is truly amazing! No doubt about it. Now for the fun!