Negative

Yesterday’s test was negative, and my temps have started dropping properly. It’s over this month. But I have never seen such a beautiful chart in my years of charting. I obviously had a good ovulation, what went wrong to prevent pregnancy I can’t say, but it looks like I got the strong ovulation I was looking for.

To be honest, I struggled a lot seeing the negative pregnancy test yesterday, it hit me hard, I just sort of believed this could be my month, my chart was great, everyone was excited, but it was a joke, a cruel joke that played on my deepest desires.

But I have a lot of friends to bring me back from the brink of despair.

And we also went to see the nutcracker ballet yesterday. It was wonderful and cheered me up, otherwise I would have just stayed in and cried all day.

Next month I will do clomid 50mg days 5-9 again, then if that is unsuccessful, I’m going to up it to 100mg. I don’t want to, but it has to be done.

And, meanwhile I have to hope that carrying my beautiful son for 4 weeks without water, and getting an infection for several days, hasn’t damaged my reproductive organs. Because that does happen, and I knew the risks.

But it was all for my son, and I wouldn’t change my choices, even knowing the outcomes.

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Heading for Disappointment

I woke up to a small temperature dip today. It was only small, fairly insignificant. But I know this is the start of my temperature falling and another negative cycle. I was almost tempted to test today, not because I think it will be positive, but the opposite – because I know it will be negative and I was hoping that would allow me to move forward. But I didn’t test, because I know that it being negative wouldn’t solve anything, it’s still only either 9 or 10 days past ovulation, and it’s easy to get a false negative this early, so I would just convince myself it was a false negative and go mad testing.

The problem is, dealing with constant disappointment, month after month is getting too much. This month instead of getting pregnant, I got a cold. Yay! And the clomid is really rough on me, so I don’t want to do it for too long, last month was hard enough, I suffered badly with depression.

It’s so frustrating because I don’t understand why I can’t get pregnant. I convinced myself before clomid that it was poor quality eggs, now I have no excuse. It’s just doesn’t feel as if its going to happen. I can see myself, next year this time, having gone through all my clomid and femara and now preparing for IUI, and still no closer to having a baby in my arms.

I know this is probably hormones talking, I’m nearing the end of my cycle – I can feel it coming, my knee is in agony, the perfect sign of the end coming. But it seems an awful blow to lose your first child and then not be able to get pregnant again.

 

 

Jade

There’s another baby loss and preemie mommy I know. She’s just had a little girl, Jade at 30 weeks, but she’s had a brain bleed and seizures – all too familiar. Please, pray for Jade to get well and pray for her family. I know the struggles of having a sick child in special care, and it’s so sad to hear she is struggling with what sounds like much the same issues as Gideon. At the moment they are considering putting her back on CPAP, she isn’t on vent. I think she needs some prayers to help her to overcome this and keep fighting strong.

 

And as always, praying for little Isabella,  who has had another heart operation. She is such a little fighter and sounds like she is doing well.

Creeping Closer

As I creep closer to the end of my cycle, it become harder to remain calm. Unfortunately I have no idea how long my luteal phase will be, I can only base it off all my other cycles and it tends to be random. It could be 9 days, it could be 13, it could be more with the clomid. I can’t even rely on temperatures to tell me if I’m pregnant, because the clomid has done amazing things to my zombie-like temperatures.

But as of today either 7 or 8dpo, I don’t see any sign of implantation. The chart is beautiful, but I sort of expect to see a temp drop at some point where implantation happens. But then I remind myself that sometimes you don’t get an implantation dip. I had a double dip with Gideon, but I wasn’t on the clomid then, so I’m keeping calm. Because the temps really are beautiful.

Clomid Chart

 

 

If you compare that chart to last month’s chart

ovuation chart

Weak ovulation chart with short luteal phase

 

Well you can see the clomid at work. But now is the critical time, my temps have a habit of dropping around 8-9 dpo, and staying down, so I’m trying not to think about it too much. See, not thinking about it works. I’ll just read philosophy and write poetry and accept the fact it might not happen this month…

 

Ovulation!!

OK, so the OPK wasn’t as dark as I’d expect it to be with clomid,  but I did ovulate. I either ovulated yesterday or the day before, my temperatures imply the day before yesterday

cycle chart

You can see the temp rise happen CD17, meaning I could have ovulated CD16, but that was the day of the positive OPK, which seems unlikely, also my timing isn’t great for that day, it’s better for CD17. Either way, this is the OPK I got for CD16

almost positive OPK - one step

And I have had A LOT of pain, seriously bad pain, all day yesterday and the after effects today, making doing anything very painful. I’m going to say it’s from my follicles bursting and causing fluid build up as other women I know doing clomid have the same problem.

Today was also toenail surgery today, to fix my ingrowing toenails. Feeling a bit painful now, the injections were the worst. Ouch!!!

Now come on eggy, come on spermies, make me a little baby!!

Either way, as soon as I’m fully registered with my new doctor, I’m getting my referral to Dr F, if I’m not pregnant he can apparently diagnose Incompetent cervix, if I am pregnant, he will have to go by history.

Waiting to Ovulate

I am CD16 and still waiting for ANY signs of ovulation. All my OPK’s are very negative, not even a hint of a line, and all other signs cervical mucus etc, are also not pointing to ovulation yet. But, as this is my first clomid cycle, I have no idea when I will ovulate. It can be up to 10 days after the last pill, which was CD9, but I also know many other people have ovulated much later than that.

I am also still getting side effects from the clomid – bad night sweats, waking up drenched in sweat. This seems to be leading to dehydration, because no matter how much I drink, I am hardly peeing at all. This is leaving me feeling a bit confused sometimes. So I’m upping my water intake. But I have lost a few pounds – in fluid I assume. At the moment I am the lowest weight I’ve been in years, but I know it’s all fluid loss, from the crazy night sweats.

Depression. There’s no denying I am feeling depressed at the moment, and for this I 100% blame clomid, because I was coping OK before I took it.

A woman who I knew from special care, when I was with Gideon, called to invite me to her twin’s christening. Initially I accepted, while silently crying down the phone as she talked about her little girls struggle for survival and how she never gave up hope….

But she said she wants me to hold them, and the more I think about it, the more I KNOW it’s a bad idea. Bursting into tears in front of lots of people is not my idea of a good day, and I don’t want it to set me back several steps. Grief is a funny and fragile thing, wounds can be easily opened by even the smallest event or change.

I might have to decline the invitation and try to explain to her why. But I will send her something for her babies – something useful and something nice as well. And maybe, when I’m pregnant, I will go visit her and her babies and hold them. But I do have to think about my mental wellbeing at the moment.

I’m not sure how many months on clomid I can do really, the depression is sometimes overwhelming, I might move on to femara in a few months, to see if it’s better or not.

The Clomid Experience

Clomid has had a profound effect on me.

  • I burst into tears, every few minutes for about a week.
  • I was both horny and angry at the same time
  • I tried to murder my other half, at least verbally
  • I was both exhausted and hyper – at the same time
  • I was twitchy as if  I’d had too much caffeine
  • I suffered from anxiety
  • I wasn’t hungry at all
  • I had terrible acid reflux
  • I had terrible vaginal burning (acidic CM?) ongoing!!
So, all in all, a wonderful clomid experience. I had, luckily for me, expected it, and I also had, luckily for DH (dear husband), warned him I would try and kill him. Now the clomid is wearing down, and thanks to copious amounts of Conceive Plus, we’ve actually managed to get some baby making in.
Despite the wearing down, I’m feeling pretty zombie-ish today. I am a little confused and forgetful, I keep writing or saying the wrong thing and I’m not very sure what is happening half the time, which made writing my philosophy assignment on John Locke, very fun.
But I have made a plan, thanks to help from other incompetent cervix sufferers. Since I have decided to change GP’s, after one too many bad experiences, I am going to approach my new GP to refer me to Dr Farquharson at Liverpool Women’s Hospital to discuss my cervix and the possibility of getting that cerclage.
A lot of women in my pPROM forums have gone for their TAC – trans abdominal cerclage, this is a permanent cerclage, one that requires a c-section but one that does not require bedrest and has over a 95% success rate. I do not expect Dr F (easier to say) to do this for me. I would however like a TVC, trans vaginal cerclage to be fitted at 12-14 weeks, next pregnancy.
I have thought and thought and thought about this, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. I do have a long cervix, length is not a problem here, but I think strength and funelling is. I know the TVC wont stop the funelling, BUT it could save the bag from rupturing, by holding the cervix together, should I funnel.
If I’m wrong and it wasn’t my cervix, then I still get to carry to term, the TVC being incidental, if my consultant is wrong, and I too have incompetent cervix, then I bury another baby.
My decision is thus…if Dr F says no, and he is a very experienced and well known cerclage doctor, then I will agree not to have one fitted, but I will remain on bedrest constantly until 32 weeks, that is clear. With a TVC, well, bed rest still, but I’ll feel better about it.
Fuzzy brained, clomid poisoned, ttc obsessed and grief overwhelmed I may be, but I’m a girl that knows what she wants!