6 weeks

I’m 6 weeks pregnant today.

I haven’t posted in a while, because I’m trying not to think too much about the pregnancy, and try to focus on other things. Time has really slowed down of course, as it always does in early pregnancy, and every day I’m waiting for something to go wrong.

I have a scan in 12 days, which hopefully will give me something to put my mind at ease. Mostly I feel OK, I don’t have much morning sickness, just a bit of nausea on some days, especially if I smell something strong. Of course everything smells really strong to me at the moment. Unlike some women, I don’t get a lot of breast pain in pregnancy, well I didn’t last time, and I haven’t this time either. But they have had a nice growth spurt already ;).

I’d love to be one of those women who start a pregnancy believing this will lead to a baby at the end, I’d love to start buying things and planning this, but I can’t. Just taking it one step at a time. 6 weeks was my first goal, then 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks etc, every 2 weeks helps for now until I’m past 12 weeks. Then maybe bigger goals.

And I’m getting married in just over 5 weeks!! So that should keep me busy up to past 11 weeks.

Pregnancy after baby loss is just one long worry, but when it gets really bad, I look over at a photo of my Gideon, and remember that this little button has his own personal guardian angel, watching over him every day. Gideon sent this little one to me and what’s meant to happen, will happen.

Advertisements

Hello Button!

Today was my appointment with Dr F at Liverpool Women’s Hospital. It went like this

Nurse: “You’re here for a scan aren’t you?”
Me: “No,”
Nurse: “Oh…you’re pregnant right?”
Me: “…yes”
Nurse: “Then you’re here for a scan,”
Me: “I’m only 4 weeks”
Nurse: silence and exasperated sighs (but in a nice way)

I agreed to allow her to scan me, after all she seemed to eager to get the scan going. Of course there was no fetal pole visible at this stage, but we saw a tiny sac, which looks about right for my gestation.

                                              Ultrasound 4 weeks 4 days

 

That little black dot is button! I also had a large corpus luteum on my left. I felt I ovulation on my left this time, but it makes me think as I usually ovulate on my right…left is normally too polycystic to get an egg out. Makes me wonder if something is wrong with my right tube…

Anyway Dr F was very nice, we are booked in for another scan in 3 weeks and my cerclage is booked for 26th June. I did want it after the wedding, but I think he preferred before. I’ll be 9.5 weeks I think, maybe a little earlier. I’ll also be going under full anaesthetic that’s how he likes to do them apparently.

Then he said I can see whoever I want, I can go see my consultant here in Wales rather than travelling 1.5 hours each way to see him. Much better.

So, hoping to see a nice little baby in there next scan, with a strong little heartbeat.

Final Wedding Invitations and a Good Ramble

My wedding invitations are almost ready to send. Luckily. I think I understand why people charge so much money for making them, they’ve taken ages to complete. And my dear fiancé had a lot of trouble folding, cutting, sticking or doing the bows. I don’t think he’s the card-making type. Here is the final version, we changed the colour of the ribbon, but it’s mostly the same.

Homemade Gatefold Wedding Invitation

 

Pregnancy wise I’m 4 weeks 2 days. Time seems to be going slowly. I’m mentally convinced that my period will arrive any time soon and I’m having a hard time processing the information that there might be a little embryo making it’s home in there right about now.

In fact, I’m in such denial that I don’t want to go to my appointment on Monday. Right now I feel 1) it’s too soon 2) I like my little patch of denial.

But I am going to go, I have a ton of questions to ask, and at least then I can get all the answers I need.

Mainly I want to point out that with the transvaginal cerclage, 1) I’m going on bedrest from cerclage until 30 something weeks and 2) I don’t think driving 1.5 hours to see him every 1-2 weeks is a good idea. I’d rather go see someone closer to home who can relay information to him. I know the care would be better seeing only him, but I cannot do that long travel with my crappy cervix, especially after 19+ weeks. Arrangements need to be made I think.

I haven’t decided which hospital to use, they’ll ask that in a few weeks, and I have two choices: the first one told me to abort Gideon and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I understood informing me of the risks and even suggesting their “best” course of action, but they wouldn’t stop. And the constant badgering to kill my baby upset me tremendously.

Or there’s the other hospital where I spent everything from about 23.5 weeks until delivery. Initially I hated that place, they were horrible to me, they put me in the labour ward when I arrived from the first hospital and for several days I lay there watching women in early labour, hearing their grunts and screams of pain and watching them get wheeled away to have their babies. They also refused to give me antibiotics. I was on bedrest and I kept getting up, going to find a nurse and beg for them. I had an infection, and they told me they “were too busy” to give me the antibiotics, I was in tears thinking the infection would put me in labour. Then they tried to put a drip through a blocked vein. I kept telling them how painful it was, the liquid was just pouring out of me and it HURT, like you cannot believe, I was crying in pain, and they told me “that’s normal” until a kind nurse came round some hours later and discovered the whole vein was blocked, never to be used again.

So, yes, I hated them. At least at the first hospital, most of the nurses were kind, the doctors not so much, but the nurses were lovely and even kept phoning to check on me and when Gideon was born they kept phoning to see how he was doing. Most of them were really nice to me, and kept me hoping even when the doctors gave us no hope at all.

Later, at the second hospital I did manage to make friends with enough nurses to get reasonable care, but a lot of the nurses did not like me, and made no effort to show otherwise. In their view I was a waste of a bed (and eventually a private room) because I refused to go home and refused to induce. I was past viability and about 45 minutes away from home, I was not going back there in case my baby came too fast. They would also refuse to bring me food unless I got up to walk down to the dining room, and the food was awful, usually inedible, and not suitable to pregnant women with gestational diabetes.

Clearly, I have great choices. But the first hospital has no SCBU (special care baby unit) they only take babies at about 34 weeks gestation. If I went into early labour I’d need to to the second hospital anyway (shudder). The SCBU was lovely at the second hospital but…I think there may have been better facilities elsewhere.

Just an overview of my Welsh NHS options.

Writing it all down has helped, I think I’ll go for the first hospital. At least they have reasonable care, reasonable I say, not great. If I go into preterm labour after viability I’ll head straight to the second one anyway.

In case you can’t tell, my brain is working in overtime right now. I just want everything figured out.

Progressing

I had a terrible night sleep with some awful nightmares about losing this baby, but not now, later on. It was twins and I started bleeding and miscarried one, the other died in utero.

And I also had a very interesting dream whereby my lovely fiancé offered me another necklace. The one I currently wear every day I bought after Gideon died, it’s silver and shows a mother holding a child and I really love it. In my dream my fiance offered me this beautiful necklace, it had a soft disc which was really colourful and showed a beautiful scene and the scene was actually moving, we could tip it left or right and it would take us round this lovely garden. It was ALIVE. He said I should replace the one I wear round my neck with this beautiful one, so he could see the beauty of it everyday, but I said no, instead I wore it underneath my silver one I bought for Gideon.

It’s easy to interpret that dream. No matter what, no matter how many children come along, I will never replace Gideon. Why would I want to? He’s my first-born, and the most amazing little boy, I never imagined having such a wonderful child. And as crazy dreams go, that made me smile, because I’m glad even my dream-self understands that.

Pregnancy and vivid dreams go together, I know, I remember from last time, but waking up in a pool of sweat thinking I’ve miscarried my baby is really rough. It took me a few seconds to get my bearings.

Another thing I’m going to mention here, may seem strange to non baby-loss mothers out there, but I thought I’d write it anyway, in case it can help someone else. I am having trouble separating this pregnancy from Gideon’s. I know it’s not the same, and much as I would love it to be, this baby isn’t Gideon, but sometimes I do things I did last pregnancy and I have to shake myself because suddenly, for the briefest of seconds, I can’t remember where I am. For example I went to look at pregnancy tests in superdrug and as I was standing there staring at them, I realised I did the exact same thing in the exact same store probably at the exact same stage last pregnancy, and I almost felt confused, weird.

Anyway, I was so scared this morning, after that dream and then I noticed hives all over my arm. Now I do get hives on occasion (look through my posts) but for me it’s a sign my immune system is over-active. And my first thought was, “what if my immune system attacks my baby?” I ran downstairs to take an antihistamine. I haven’t been taking them so far, I wanted to wait until the second trimester as it’s safer then, but it has to be safer to take one to stop my immune system going crazy, than let it carry on. It has worked, thankfully, but I was terrified. So I took another digital test.

Clearblue Digital Conception Indicator 15dpo

That says 2-3 weeks since conception so 4-5 weeks pregnant. I’m 4 weeks 1 day, which is right on. Relief. And you remember the fiasco with the awful false positives on my cheap tests last month? Well I’m glad I kept them, I can happily use them if I’m actually pregnant, as you can see

Wondfo 15dpo

And they are cheap, and I have lots left. It’s reassurance for me. Phew!

I phoned Liverpool Women’s Hospital yesterday, it’s early, but I thought there would be a huge waiting list…I got an appointment on Monday. Yes this coming Monday. I do wonder if that’s a bit soon. I forgot to mention I’m only 4 weeks, but I suppose at least we can get everything started, get a date for my cerclage, book a scan, hopefully in about 3 weeks, and ask all the questions about my care. So I’m ready. Who knew I could get in so fast? As long as they don’t expect to do a scan, they wont see anything at 4 weeks 4 days.

The post we’ve all been waiting for…

Fear. It strikes me every day of my life. I’m afraid of many things and yet I lived my worst fear.

Fear. I was afraid to say something. Something amazing. I have shared my whole journey here, in words and pictures. And found such amazing support and kindness. It wouldn’t be right not to share this…

I’m pregnant.

Why would I be afraid to share this news? Fear. Fear of an early miscarriage I suppose. And then I realised that if I do have an early miscarriage, I wouldnt be ashamed  any more than I was ashamed to lose my Gideon. I decided not to share until 8+ weeks last pregnancy and it made no difference. I couldn’t have waited until he was born to tell the world.

So I’m sharing. Right now I’m very early, not even 4 weeks. And let me tell you…I was NOT expecting it this month. I took no drugs, I didn’t temp, I just planned my wedding and waited for AF. I nearly fell off the loo when the second line appeared, and it took me 5 more tests to start  believing it. I’m still not sure I do.

I’m pregnant. Those words are so alien to me. I haven’t accepted it yet.

I’m scared.

But I’m pregnant. And I’ll share it all, the fear, the excitement, the waiting, and the outcome, whatever that is. For the moment I’m not announcing on Facebook, I may not at all, I wont deny it if people ask directly, but right now I want to focus on each and every day, every moment with this little one, whatever happens. I know some of my family read this blog, so I hope they know to keep a bit quiet too.  😉

So yes, I’m pregnant. And I’ll hopefully be 11.5 weeks on my wedding day. My children will be with me afterall, this baby growing inside me and my Gideon because he gave me this baby.

Watch this space….

An interesting few days

My mother came down to see us last week, and to go work on wedding stuff. We did some wedding dress shopping and decided on a style, and we’ve designed the invitations.

This was the first try, it’s having a few changes to it. Basically I whipped this up in no time at all.

  Homemade Wedding Invitation

And then my mother decided that she didn’t want to stay with us anymore, instead she decided she wanted to sample the local healthcare, and went to hospital (I know you’re reading this mother!). So that was an interesting couple of days as she dealt with a gallbladder attack.

But they released her the next day and she came home and she made up a sample of the bridesmaid’s bouquet

Homemade wedding bouquet

 

I think for our first try we did rather a good job. I’m still waiting for the time of our wedding from the local priest. Once that is sorted I can finish all the invitations.

Oh and I’m somewhere around 7 days past ovulation, but I can already feel this cycle ending. Never mind.

We had a good supply of Love2Shop vouchers from Christmas, over 500 pounds worth, that I was hoping to use in Mothercare and BabiesRUs when I finally had my rainbow. Sadly, they expire next year and I’m clearly still not pregnant. Considering the fact that I wouldn’t buy anything until 30 something weeks anyway, there isn’t much chance of using those lovely vouchers for baby. Instead, we bought a big double fridge freezer to store everything on the big day, because we have a lot of food to keep cold. I would much rather have a shopping spree spending money on my rainbow, but no rainbow here.

But this wedding planning is helping keep my mind occupied. Even if it’s hard work and a bit stressful (especially when people decide to go to hospital…)

Going to the Chapel and we’re…

Going to get married I hope.

Anyway I thought I’d upload a picture of the lovely little church where we hope to finally get wed.

That annoying yellow truck is very distracting. It wouldn’t move! Very inconsiderate. This is the Parish church in our local town. Behind you can see mountains if you walk 5 minutes down the road away from that yellow truck, you’ll meet the sea.

Perfect.

Tomorrow is wedding dresses. It’s all getting very exciting here!