19 weeks!

Somehow I’m 19 weeks, it’s pretty amazing really!

I was getting some strong kicks last week, but over the last 3-4 days he’s really calmed down in there. I hardly ever feel him, I get maybe 4 episodes of movement a day as opposed to almost constant movement. I wonder if he’s lying in a different position, or if I’m keeping better control of my diabetes, I know if my numbers are too high he tends to be hyper in there. I miss the strong kicks and flips though. I was worried, but I have my doppler and I can hear him kicking around in there, so I know he’s OK.

I have my 20 week anatomy scan next Monday. Then that’s the last time I see him until the third trimester. Well I sure hope so anyway, I’d rather not meet him in person for many more weeks. I’m actually over half way now, as induction is 37-38 weeks (for my gestational diabetes) so in another 18 weeks I’ll be getting ready for this little one. Or earlier, I don’t feel as if I’m going to make 37 weeks, I don’t know.

Still knitting, I made a hat for a 20-21 weeker. It is so small, because it’s ribbed it will fit probably from about 17 weeks up to about 24 weeks.

Hat for 20-21 weeker

So adorable, but I hope never to have to use it. I’ll hopefully give it to the hospital when I do deliver – in the third trimester. I just sent my husband out for more wool and wool related paraphernalia. I hope to make many hats of all sizes.

I also have some side effects to this bedrest malarchy. Never have I spent so much time (7.5 weeks now!!) doing nothing. I mean, I hate exercise as a rule, being lazy by nature, but I usually at least walk around, take the stairs, go shopping. And doing nothing at all apart from walking to the loo and back, is giving me asthma, I remember I started getting it around this time last pregnancy, but it was exercise related asthma, when I went for a walk, I wheezed or when I took the stairs too much, I wheezed. These days I wake up to asthma, I have to carefully breathe in the morning, any big breaths result in a coughing fit, I also get terrible lung pain on my left back and side. I’d go to the doctors but they are useless, and I already know what I’m dealing with. Over the day it seems to improve somewhat, but it’s uncomfortable. I wonder what state my body will be in by the time I’m done. I’m hoping to  have at least 3-6 weeks after I finish bedrest to try and help myself back into semblance of fitness so I can get through the birth. From 30 weeks, I’ll increase how much I do, at 32 weeks I’m off bedrest completely – unless I start going into preterm labour of course.

Last pregnancy, I was on bedrest for only 4 weeks and was quite weak afterwards, but I easily built up my fitness because it was quite a walk to the special care unit from where we stayed and we frequently either ran it (desperately) or walked briskly, so by the time I left I was in OK shape.

What with the asthma, the pale, sun-deprived skin, and the fact that whenever I smile my lip splits (last pregnancy too?) I’m beginning to look like a zombie, pale, wheezy and bloody mouthed. Brainnnnnnnssss! And might I add, that it’s worth every second, and I’m happy to do it. I really, honestly love being pregnant. Even if it’s very complicated.

Who knew that doing nothing could be so exhausting?

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18 weeks 3 days

I’m 18 weeks 3 days and feeling some wonderfully big kicks. I utterly love those kicks. And everytime I put my hand on my belly to see if I can feel the kicks, he stops kicking. It’s like a little game.

I am feeling a lot of pressure, like last time.  It’s a heavy, dragging feeling but there isn’t a lot I can do. I can just hope that my cerclage is holding well. I overanayze every twinge and ache, of which there are a lot. I’ve even had some braxton hicks, which surprised me and worried me. But they went away.

Really all I’m doing right now is lying in bed, sitting up sometimes and walking to the loo. I have my anatomy ultrasound a week on Monday, I am nervous, hoping that everything is OK with little hippopota…sweetpotato. Last time we just never finished the anatomy scan.

I’ve been knitting preemie wear

Hat and booties for Micropreemie

 

They are much smaller than they look, you can see them easier here That hat is Gideon sized, but ribbed so it’ll fit right up to 30+ weeks, the bootie is so tiny.

Micro preemie booties

Yes, thats about 1.5 inches. I don’t feel fully comfortable making full term ones yet, but I’m happy to make these little ones, then give them to the hospital if I don’t need them. Well, it’s keeping me busy anyway. And as I approach 21-26 weeks I need to be kept busy! Although knitting while lying down is pretty hard!

17 weeks

I can’t really believe that I’m 17 weeks. This is when things get scary in the incompetent cervix world. But on the plus side I get to feel more and more movements, he’s moved higher today and I can feel him wriggling around, kicking and trying to destroy the doppler when we use it. I love it, it’s the best part of pregnancy apart from meeting the baby.

17 weeks

 

Isn’t he cute, he’s about 5 inches from crown to rump and he’ll be starting to hear soon so he can hear all the stories we read to him and Gideon. I bought “on the night you were born” by Nancy Tillman and it’s so lovely.

Apart from a book, all we’ve bought so far is a little teddy bear for this hippopotaonion. Meet Eddy Bear!

Eddy Bear

And this is when Eddy bear met Giddy bear and zebra. Giddy bear is one of Gideon’s teddys and is wearing his SCBU hat, and zebra represents Gideon’s favourite zebra in SCBU. They got along very well.

Greetings

Other than that and trying to think of names, we are happy to just carry on as we have been until I pass my milestones in another 9 weeks. Then reconsider things, even perhaps look at baby stuff. Who knows.

And I’m having a…

BOY!! Well we’re 90% sure, our little one was bouncing, squirming, jumping and grabbing his private parts for the whole scan, making it much harder to find his gender. But we did see this

16 weeks Boy

Which looks pretty clear as a boy part. We also got a dvd of the whole scan, which is so wonderful and Nana couldn’t be there, and I’m sure she’ll like to see it.

Most of the time our little boy was bouncing on my bladder, doing full flips, trying to lift himself up by his head in order to grab his boy bits and rubbing his head. All this was insanely cute, and made everyone laugh.

It was, by an amazing coincidence, the same ultrasound tech that scanned Gideon, in a different town, so she of course asked after Gideon and we explained. But she was very sweet about it, and wasn’t afraid to ask about him, which some people are.

My placenta is posterior, which  means it’s behind not in front, and he measured perfectly throughout, well as many times as we could get a measurement since he didn’t sit still very long. AND my amniotic fluid level was good, a relief in itself. His brain looked good, and his heart was 161bmp. All in all, from what she could see it was reassuring.

And he certainly knew how to jump around. Honestly I am so very happy that it’s a boy, I did want another boy so much. This is Gideon’s little brother.

16 weeks 5 days

 

Tomorrow

Is my Gender Scan. I can’t believe it. I’m partially terrified here, The gender scan was the last time we properly saw Gideon on a scan before everything happened. We did get to the anatomy ultrasound at 20 weeks last time, but the tech was in a mood and spent no time at all doing the scan before telling us she couldn’t see anything, and we didn’t even get a pic. Then a week later my waters broke and all scans after that showed very little. It’s hard to get a scan when you have no amniotic fluid.

I wanted to make sure I have some good pictures of baby like last time, the best pics were from our gender scan because we went private, so the machines were so much better, I hope they’ll be as good this time.

I can’t believe that it’s here already. Am I really 16 weeks? 17 next tuesday? These past couple of weeks I’ve been more than a little distracted, and I’ve got no work done at all, barely doing more than watching tv and sleeping. I’m guessing that’s just the anxiety of creeping up closer to 20 weeks.

My lovely husband also gave me a cold. I told him to be careful, I did not want to be ill this time, coughing really makes me feel the stitch, it worries me. So he gave the first summer cold going round. I was not pleased, especially as my last trimester is during flu season, and the last thing I need is the flu!

But tomorrow, hopefully, little hippopotavocado plays along and lets us see him or her. Gideon was happy to show off, hoping this little one is too, it’s the last time I’ll have a chance to do it. But if not, then at least I get to see him/her and don’t have to wait another 4 weeks for my anatomy scan. I seriously don’t mind either way, boy, girl, I really would love either. But I think it will help me to feel more “real” about this pregnancy. All I know is that the little one is incredibly active, I can only feel tiny movements right now, but I do feel them and you can hear the excitable kicks and swooshes on the doppler. I love every tiny tap and every little swish. I truly do.

Living in the Now

I am a member of a forum with other women due in January. The other day I was reading through their posts, some talking about prams and carseats and buying baby stuff and I began to wonder if I had become too detached with this pregnancy.

I’m not thinking about prams and carseat, about cots, about starting the nursery or buying baby clothes. When I look at baby stuff, I get a little scared even.

But then I realised something. I’m not detached! I love little hippopotaorange very very much, he or she is a part of my family, just like Gideon. But the difference is, I love button NOW, button as a 15 weeks old foetus, not as a 7 pound full-term baby. Everyone else who has “normal” pregnancies are seeing what they expect for the future baby, and loving that, and that’s OK. That’s what I did last time, with Gideon. But I don’t know if there will be a full-term 7 pound baby or not, I don’t know whether there will be a living baby to take home, or a premature baby, or a tiny little baby that is too early. I don’t know. But there is hippopotaorange, right here and right now, he or she is here. And I love him/her in the here and now.

And I think that’s Ok, to love present hippopotaorange instead of future baby, that’s not detachment, that’s love, one that I’ve not allowed to become complicated with future unknowns. So while right now, at 15-16 weeks, most pregnant women are imagining their babies as they’ll be when they come out full term, I imagine a tiny little thing that fits into the palm of my hand,  because that’s what a 15 week foetus looks like. As I get further along, so will my imagination of the baby I’m carrying, and if I get full term, then I’ll finally be able to see a full term baby. When I first saw Gideon, I had to force my mind to change the idea of “baby” from 7 pounds and healthy, to a little sick 1.15oz pound baby, and now that 1.15oz pound baby happens to be how I see the word “baby.” When I see a full term baby, I ask “how many months old is that?”

Right now, I’m living here in the present, not imagining the worst, but accepting that the worst is possible and loving the time I have with this little hippopotaorange in the present.

Bit better

The antibiotics seemed to help and although I’m still going somewhat green, it’s better than it was and I feel better. I am more than glad I did get the antibiotics, but it wasn’t an easy fight and one I could easily do without this pregnancy.

On the diabetic side, my numbers are insane. We had to go to the hospital to get my husband’s shoulder checked to see if it’s recovered from the dislocation, and I had to have another blood test done. Apparently they missed one last time – my blood group. I do know I’m O negative, but apparently they need to check every time. Then I had a doctors appointment, so I had to eat lunch out. I decided lots of protein would be good, so we went to a restaurant, had a burger and a tiny amount of handcut chips. I thought I’d be OK, I’d eaten sensibly, even left some of the bun and when I tested 1.5 hours later I got a shocking 11.0!! Eleven? (198 in the US) It’s supposed to be under 7.9 an hour later, anything over 9 is REALLY BAD, and 11 is dangerous!

I’m sadly aware that in my second trimester my numbers are going to get much much worse, and it’s happening. I’m now 15 weeks, and my numbers have started to get out of control, even with very careful eating. I barely passed breakfast when I ate 2 eggs and 1 piece of bread. I’ve tried everything for breakfast and 2 eggs is the only thing to keep my numbers under control. I’m going to end up on insulin in no time at this rate. Maybe if I just eat nothing but eggs all day I can keep my numbers under control?

And I know last pregnancy no one would believe I had diabetes in the first trimester, so until 25 weeks I was unmonitored, and THIS would have certainly been happening and worse as although I tried to eat a good diet, I wasn’t taking my bloods, so I wouldn’t know what worked. How much did my completely out of control numbers in the first and second trimester affect Gideon? That’s something I will never ever know.