I tried to get a sunset picture, but it was terrible weather and we couldn’t see a sunset, so I’m using an older sunset pic I took on a walk at a beach nearby.
And that is the end of the capture your grief project, 2012. I started this over 4 weeks ago, when I was barely 24 weeks and here I am 28 weeks. And still very scared.
For halloween I spent the day downstairs, carving a pumpkin
and making a dairy free, gluten free, diabetic friendly, low carb, low GI pumpkin pie. You would be amazed just how nice this pie is! I had a small piece, which came to about 11g of carbs and 6g of protein. The crust is made from ground almonds and flaxseed with some honey and agave syrup. The pie itself is made from coconut milk. The recipe here I edited to remove the corn meal which was added carbs, and instead of using sugar I used agave syrup which is a low GI sweetener.
I was determined to be able to eat a nice piece of pumpkin pie with my gestational diabetes, and I did. Now Christmas is going to be interesting for me!
This is what I want people starting this journey to know. When I first began this journey of grief I thought I would never get through it, I couldn’t see the light, I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again. But somehow, somewhere is more strength than you can ever imagine you had; you will get through this. You will. Even if it feels like you wont. You are strong.
I am 28 weeks today. This feels like a huge milestone for me. I never imagined I could be here – 28 weeks pregnant. It astounds me.
There are two pieces of music that I associate with Gideon. The first is Adele, make you feel my love, I love this song, I can’t hear it without thinking of my Gideon.
the second is Wherever You Will Go the Charlene Soria version. This is the rainbow song, sent by my Gideon.
I lost 2 pounds this week, I’m guessing due to the extreme itching stress! That puts me 3.5 pounds down from pre-pregnancy weight. And yes, I am still extremely itchy and my arms and legs look pretty awful! But I bought the arms reach co-sleeper that I wanted from last time, that’s a big buy and I nearly hyperventilated buying something big like that. But then I listen to the songs and I know Gideon is with me. Deep breaths.
I have so many wonderful memories of my little boy. Perhaps one of my favourites is the memory of the first time I held him. It was mothers day, and the SCBU nurses had made a card for us, he was dressed in a far-too-big outfit but looked super cute. Then as I sat there like I always did, just watching. The nurse asked if GIdeon was going to come out and play. I had no idea what she was talking about until she asked if I wanted to hold him.
Did I want to hold him? More than anything in the world. As they were preparing him to come out of his incubator, I sat there, almost quivering with excitement. And then he was in my arms and he was so light, so so light, but strangely heavy too and he looked so peaceful. He sats went straight up to 100% and he looked so very happy to be in his mommy’s arms at last. I felt complete.
This project is almost over. Only three days left. When I started Capture Your Grief 2012, I thought to myself that it would be amazing to make it all the way through because if I was still pregnant at the end, I’d be 28 weeks. Well on Tuesday, I’m 28 weeks. And I honestly never truly expected to make it this far.
I have found this project to be very healing and a wonderful way to remember all the little things in my son’s life, remembering him with love and happiness and perhaps imagining what my life would be like if he’s survived. It’s not a fantasy I allow myself to indulge in too often.
Hopefully I’ll be here in 10 weeks, either in the process of induction or having just given birth.
Gideon’s nana, my mother, made this after Gideon died. It’s embroidered and will eventually go up in the nursery, when we get round to painting the nursery. I have lots of artwork, if you consider poetry to be artwork, which I suppose it is.
I made a collage to represent 17 days, the age he was when Gideon died.
Just creeping through this week. My SPD is pretty bad, but I know to not stay in one position too long otherwise I can’t walk, or even move. My itching is pretty awful and the rash is widespread, I’ve had some awful nights. I might just go mad. I’m hoping that I can keep it at bay for the next 9-10 weeks.
I actually bought some baby items today. It doesn’t sound so amazing, but it was pretty momentous for me. It’s the first things I have bought for this little guy. I bought him a twilight turtle, which projects stars onto the ceiling as a soothing night-light for baby. I wanted it last pregnancy, so when I saw it over 50% off I had to buy it. At the same time I bought three little items of clothes from Zulily. It felt strange and I felt a little nervous and sick buying things, but I’m glad I did. they wont be here for ages and ages anyway. Delivery can take weeks which is a nice slow introduction to buying things. I also bought a book about pain management techniques for labour, and one on breastfeeding.
Here in the UK, we don’t really have baby showers. But I bought a lot of stuff for Gideon when I was pregnant so I thought I would use one of those photos.
I am an avid second hand clothes buyer, all this I got second hand for only £7. I have so many clothes and baby items, I don’t think I’ll need to buy much this time. but that doesn’t mean I wont.