Here I am 24 weeks. It feels strange, I know it’s viability, I know this means they wont tell me “abort” my son if I show up with pPROM or preterm labour. I know this means they will at least *try* to save him. But I also know a baby born at 24 weeks isn’t likely to survive. So I have a mix of emotions.
I am taking part in the Capture your Grief 2012 for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Basically I’ll add/take a photo a day on a theme, to show my grieving and how it affects my life throughout the month. Also this is a way for me to show that my son is very much still a part of my life, I haven’t forgotten him. He is my first born and that will never change. When this little baby gets here and people ask if he’s my first I’ll still say no. I have two sons, no matter what happens.
I missed Day 1 of capture your grief yesterday, where I was supposed to take a picture of a sunrise. Of course I’m on bedrest and I wouldn’t be able to do that anyway, so I’m using a picture of a sunset that I’ve always loved. Taken at my local beach a couple of years ago, it truly is beautiful. It also serves to remind me that the most beautiful of things in life are often around for only the briefest of moments. A sunrise or sunset is only around for mere minutes, but it doesn’t change the beauty of that short time, just like our angel babies.
Day 2: Today the instructions say a “before loss self portrait.” Something that represented me before I lost Gideon. I spent a good while searching through my pictures for something that was fitting. It’s hard because I’m normally the picture taker, so frequently I’m not in pictures. I think my wedding was the only day I didn’t bring out my camera. The pictures I do have are generally not just with me. And secondly I hadn’t realised how much weight I’d gained before I lost a load and got pregnant with Gideon, so I don’t particularly like many of the photos.But in the end I decided on this one, it’s while I was in hospital, so not exactly before tragedy struck, it was precisely 13 days before Gideon was born and at this point I was feeling a little hopeful that we would be just fine.
There you go, day 1 and day 2. Day 3 to come tomorrow “After loss Self Portrait” more photo searching for me.