2012 in review

Hmm…apparently people found my site by searching predominately for the Gruffalo!! And Fibre. Very strange.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 42,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 10 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.


9 Days

I’m on the countdown now. 9 days until induction.

I somehow cannot process the information that in 9 days there will be a baby here. That this baby will be here, and come home and live. My house is filled with baby items, right now I am staring at a bouncer, a swing and a baby gym sitting next to my Christmas tree and I still cannot process the information of this baby’s arrival.

Perhaps I am waiting for the piano. You know like in cartoons, where someone drops a piano on someone’s head. I’m here just minding my own business and someone drops a piano. I know these things do happen and could happen still.

As I wrote that, button kicked me to protest.

It’s not that I don’t believe button will make it, but that I can’t allow myself to feel certainty about something so important until he’s here, in my arms. I am so anxious about losing him that I will easily do 4 kick counts a day, if I’m sitting around not doing much, I’ll do a kick count. Night times scare me because that’s a long time with no kick count and the first thing I do when I wake up is prod him to see if he responds. Poor little guy, probably doesn’t get much sleep!

My blood sugar levels have been lower than expected yesterday and this morning, sometimes this can be a sign of impending labour, but I don’t think so. I do get lots of braxton hicks, and I’ve even had some painful contractions, but nothing regular. Sometimes it can be a sign of a failing placenta – hence all the kick counts. Sometimes your insulin resistance peaks at the start of the third trimester and then drops towards the end of pregnancy and I am 37 weeks on Tuesday. More than likely it’s a fluke and they’ll pick right  back up again in a couple of days. If they do stay as they are, eating will certainly be easier, but I’ll check with my nurse to ensure it’s nothing to worry myself over. I’ve enjoyed eating gingerbread and Christmas cake these last couple of days 😉 (not together). My Christmas cake was delicious of course!

Anyway 9 days. Stay strong little man.




Christmas Day

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. We had a lovely day and I did my best to be good for my diabetes. Of course with my mother’s fabulous Christmas pudding, it was impossibly  hard, I barely had a sliver and my post dinner numbers were 9.0. With 5 doses of insulin.

But look at this cake, on fire!

Christmas pudding on fire


Mmmm, resist THAT!

I tried to eats lots of Turkey and Sprouts to compensate. I sat through Church, I couldn’t really stand very much, I get awfully dizzy and breathless. So I sat there and sang along.

Little baby has been having a good time too. I do regular kick counts for him. We call him button, my mother calls him Huey and my younger brother calls him Wulsten. And we’ll have to decide on a name in 2 weeks, because this baby is going to be here very soon!

Also I just found out, I am GBS positive. It isn’t a test they run on the NHS, so I decided to go ahead and pay for it to be done privately, as I know how I always have these things. And I’m glad I did or I wouldn’t have known, I know they say the risks of the newborn catching GBS is “only” 1 in 200.  But I’ve been on the side of worse statistics that that. 1 in 200 is not a great number in my view. So that means in labour I’ll  need antibiotics, I am highly allergic to penicillin and cephalosporins. I only discovered the latter last pregnancy, as soon as they started the drip I vomited and then started itching everywhere, then my lips began to swell – not a good look. So they can’t give me the “usual” antibiotics. Hopefully I’ll be OK with whichever ones they give me. UK girls, it’s worth getting the test privately, it’s only £35 from here. You don’t pay for delivery, just for the lab processing. And it really is worth knowing.

Anyway, Happy Christmas all!

Hope you all had a great day and felt the presence of your angels throughout.

Happy Christmas. Almost 36 weeks

Today is of course Christmas eve and I’ve been busy busy busy trying to get everything done. I iced my Christmas cake

P1040115 P1040117


And my gingerbread house didn’t work out so well. But it was fun to decorate

P1040126We’ll just say Button and Giddy decorated it shall we 😉

Gideon’s stocking hangs on the fireplace as it did last year. Next year button’s will hang next to it. I always try to think of something to put in Gideon’s Christmas stocking, but there is nothing an angel needs. Just our love and that fills the whole world.

Giddy Gideon 2

I am 36 weeks tomorrow and definitely getting an awful lot of contractions,although they don’t really hurt so I’m just taking it easy. I nearly fainted today, everything went black and I nearly didn’t make it to a chair. It feels like this baby has moved UPWARDS and is making it harder to breathe! I thought he was supposed to drop not move upwards. Funny little guy.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good Christmas  I hope fellow baby loss mothers, especially those experiencing the first Christmas since their loss have an gentle day, the holidays are very hard, but you will get through them. Remind yourself that your angel is never far from your side.



Induction date set

8th January 2013 at 11am, this baby will start his eviction. Who knows whether I’ll actually deliver that day or not, but it’s nice to have a date. In less that 19 days, this baby could be here in my arms.

I still feel very surreal about it all, I am trying to stay calm, and think the end is in sight. Well not really the end, the beginning of something great I hope.

5 days until Christmas and 36 weeks. I wonder if I’ll go into spontaneous labour before my induction date, I will try to get things started after 37 weeks, as I know induction can be tough, and I’d rather not have an epidural if I can avoid it.

So 8th Jan, rainbow day. Deep breaths.

Just shy of 35 weeks

I really like the sound of 35 weeks. 34 sounds still premature, 35 sounds almost full term.

We’re hanging on here, nothing much has happened since the removal of the stitch. I have been gaining weight at an astronomical rate – thanks I’m sure to the insulin. My nurse tells me it’s because I’ve increased my food intake, but I really haven’t. In fact I’ve decreased it, because I simply can’t eat big meals right now, button is taking up all the space. I’ve managed to gain 5 pounds in two weeks, when all pregnancy I gained nothing. Considering I have a lot of extra weight anyway, I have to be careful about gaining too much. But as long as button remains healthy and well, then I’ll deal with it after pregnancy. Would be nice if the gain slowed down a bit though. I am retaining a bit of fluid, I took my wedding ring off last week as it was cutting into me, I wear it with my memorial necklace for Gideon. And my face is all puffy, so I’m hoping some of the gain is fluid too.

I’m sort of half passing my sugar levels, some days I’m fine, others (with the same meals) I fail. My nurse doesn’t seem to understand that, and nor do I. But she now wants me on 2 units of insulin at night. So that’s 6 for breakfast, 7 for lunch, and 2 for dinner. And it doesn’t help that I have mislaid my diabetes book, where I write all my numbers.

On Wednesday I have my last ever scan this pregnancy, next time I see this little guy it’ll be in my arms I hope. I had a surreal moment yesterday where I realised that this little one could be here in as little as 14 days and as much as 21 days, but it doesn’t feel real at all. Maybe when I’m actually holding him it’ll feel real? I’m utterly paranoid that something is going to happen to him, I do at least 3 kick counts every day for that reason. I’m panicking that I’m going to lose him. He’s generally a quiet baby, except when hyped up on sugar – so when my sugar levels are bad. Mostly he’s quiet. He did kick his daddy in the ear yesterday when he was listening to my belly – apparently quite hard :D.

It wouldn’t be right not to mention the recent news, of the shootings in the primary school in the US. It’s just so awful and unnecessary and it really upset me. My mind has been dwelling on it, imagining the awful pain of the parents and the fear of the little ones. It reminds me of the Dunblane Massacre – another shooting which shocked the world. It just reminds me that nothing is sacred, nothing is untouchable, anything can happen. And that’s very scary indeed.

I’ll end that note with a picture of a rainbow I saw out of my living room window last month. I just looked up and there it was, it was actually a huge arc across the sky, but I could only capture this small piece of it. I try to see this as a promise that storms don’t last forever, there will hopefully be a rainbow at the end.


A Stitch in Time…

Apparently doesn’t hold for the whole pregnancy! My doc went in there to remove it and it had already unstitched itself!!! He said that half the stitch was undone and just hanging there!

OK, without making anyone cringe, this is a TVC



You can see in the bottom pic how it holds the cervix closed. He said that one the one side of my cervix, two pieces had come undone, so two corners were basically not stitched at all, so the cervix wasn’t even stitched closed! He says he doesn’t know when this happened, but he says probably a couple of weeks ago, maybe more.

I do recall feeling something “give” and wondering if something had gone in there. That was maybe 3-4 weeks back. So for the last x amount of weeks I have not had that stitch doing it’s job. I am lucky I’ve been taking it SO easy this entire pregnancy.

Apparently it’s rare but it can happen, if the cerclage is not stitched tight enough and the stitch is exposed to a lot of pressure – like funnelling…to the stitch. If I hadn’t been on bedrest would this babe still be here now? I dread to think what could have happened, but it held and I’m 34 weeks, thank goodness.

Also, there was mass panic when the midwife could not find little one’s hb. My hubby and I had the same issue a couple of days ago. They assumed he was head down, like on the last scan, but they found the heartbeat right near by the bellybutton, that combined with reduced movement, they think he’s moved. I tried to map him using belly mapping and I think he is still sort of head down, but lying more transverse head down, than full head down.

I did get to see the birthing “suites” offered at my local hospital. I didn’t deliver at this hospital last time, the only time I was in a birthing room was after pPROM and I remember nothing. But today I got to see one first hand. I was shocked that there is no ensuite bathroom! So in the middle of labour, every time I want to pee I have to get covered up and walk down the corridor?? Really? And in the shared bathrooms there is no shower either, there is a bath, but I wouldn’t want a bath immediately after delivery, I’d want a quick shower. So after delivery I’d have to get dressed again, still covered in all the birth “gunk” and make my way to the nearest unoccupied bathroom? Then run a bath to get clean? That’s just crazy!

Anyway, today we made ornaments for this little one. Hubby and I got some florist wire and some old random buttons and made button ornaments.
button 4 button 5 button1 button2Mine is the one with clear glass buttons and hubbys is the green and gold one.

Now I’m just taking it easy for the next week or so until I feel safer walking around.