I know it’s taken me far to long to update this, but my dear little boy has not given me a moment to pick up my laptop, and I can’t update very well on my phone.
Benedict Gideon James was born on 9th January at 3:43am. He weighed in at 6lb 9oz, not bad considering my gestational diabetes. I think he could have used another week inside. I’ll just ramble through everything that has happened over the last few days, I am so incredibly happy he’s here. It feels like a dream.
Induction was quick, after the long 12 hour wait to get started. Once the pessary was inserted, an hour or so later I had back cramps, then 2 hours after that I started bleeding heavily. I was so scared, I thought it was an abruption I was in tears and shaking, once they checked me over and saw how much blood there was, they decided to get me to labour and delivery. I had dilated pretty fast and they think the damage to my cervix was the cause of the bleeding – I arrived 1cm dilated, and very soft. Benedict’s heartbeat never faltered throughout.
They took me to a delivery suite, by this point I was having regular back contractions. They broke my waters and things got really painful. I had hoped not to have another back labour, but no such luck.
Things moved quite fast until transition, and suddenly they stalled, I wasn’t getting past 7-8cm. The back labour was agonizing, I couldn’t get up and walk as he had to be monitored constantly, I’d done really well with no pain relief at this point, but after a couple of hours in transition with the pains coming every minute or so, I was just losing it. I remember just awful pain and eventually when there had been no progress I accepted the offer of diamorphine. That took the edge off and gave me back some control, but is something I regret, I wonder if it affect Benedict at all. An hour and half later and things had progressed a little, but my cervix wasn’t fully open at all, and it had a lip stopping him getting out.
More time waiting to feel the urge to push, the midwife said I could try to push past the lip and I was happy to oblige. Pushing was something I was very much ready for. I tried pushing on my side, and eventually pushed on my hands and knees and a few pushes later I fired Benedict out, apparently pretty fast, and luckily the midwife caught him. I didn’t hear anyone telling me to stop when he was crowning, but apparently they did. I needed a few stitches after that.
And here he is, my little Benedict.
We aren’t having success with breastfeeding – he wont latch, he wont open his mouth and he wont suck when he does. He just screams hysterically at me until I take him off the breast. I’m now expressing milk for him, something I so desperately hoped not to need to do this time round. But he weighed in today at 5lb 15oz, so he really does need his feeds, even if this means I never get to breastfeed him properly. I wont lie and say I haven’t cried about that, I so badly wanted to breastfeed him, but I know I have to do what’s best and if I can’t get him to latch I have no choice but to either feed him formula or pump, and I’d rather pump and give him breastmilk.
He also wont go into a cot, he’ll only sleep in either my arms or my husband’s arms and I don’t feel safe co-sleeping right now, so we aren’t getting much sleep. Add to that the insane hysterical crying every night (wind and hunger) and I’m barely functioning.
And it’s worth every single second. I can’t believe he’s here and he’s mine. And all these hurdles and bumps in the road are nothing really. So what if I’m tired, so what if I don’t get the breastfeeding journey I dreamt of, he’s here, he’s healthy and alive and I love him.
Thank you Gideon.