My Benedict

Poor little Benedict has been so upset the last few days, he just screamed and screamed and screamed for 12 hours straight. He looked like he was in so much pain, we just didn’t know what to do, we were beside ourselves, and hadn’t slept all week and were at a loss. Eventually I googled “interpreting infant cries” and came up with this. I listened to Benedict and he was saying “eh eh eh” and “earih” over and over again. From there I found out about infacol and before we knew it we had a much calmer baby. It took some time, but dear Benedict WAS telling me he had wind and terrible gas pains. He still gets them with the infacol, but not nearly as bad. So much better now, it was hard to watch him cry so much for so long and not know why. We think it may be a lactose intolerance as it’s got worse and worse since day one and the poor thing is always straining and struggling.

Breastfeeding is getting there. Benedict doesn’t always understand what he is doing, and we are still supplementing with a bottle of expressed milk, which I don’t like to do, but I can’t have him lose any more weight. Right now he is 6lb 3oz and gaining slowly. Most of the time I can get him on breast, but it isn’t always easy, especially with the windy pain.

We tried him on cloth nappies. He’s far to small for even the muslin squares, as you can see!

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He was very good natured about the giant nappy and obliged by peeing in it to test it. He almost seemed put out when we put him back in a disposable.

And just a few more pics of my little rainbow

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I’ll try to keep updating the blog as much as I can. I’ve been writing here since March 2011, so although I may not update as much I will still update.

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Snuggles

Just sitting here, semi reclining in bed with Benedict curled up on my chest. He is so amazing. Sure I can’t sleep with him curled up on me, but how wonderful it is to be lying in bed with my beautiful baby, who loves nothing more than to snuggle me every night. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself that this is indeed real. This little guy is indeed mine.

I never thought I’d have the opportunity to experience such intense love again after my Gideon went to heaven. There was such a huge piece missing in my life when I had to say goodbye to him. While Benedict can never replace Gideon – they are each their own person, and I wouldn’t even want to replace my little Giddy, this rainbow has lit up my life again, chased away the storm clouds and reminded me just how amazing my Gideon is.

Loving both my little ones.

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Benedict Gideon James

I know it’s taken me far to long to update this, but my dear little boy has not given me a moment to pick up my laptop, and I can’t update very well on my phone.

Benedict Gideon James was born on 9th January at 3:43am. He weighed in at 6lb 9oz, not bad considering my gestational diabetes. I think he could have used another week inside. I’ll just ramble through everything that has happened over the last few days, I am so incredibly happy he’s here. It feels like a dream.

Induction was quick, after the long 12 hour wait to get started. Once the pessary was inserted, an hour or so later I had back cramps, then 2 hours after that I started bleeding heavily. I was so scared, I thought it was an abruption I was in tears and shaking, once they checked me over and saw how much blood there was, they decided to get me to labour and delivery. I had dilated pretty fast and they think the damage to my cervix was the cause of the bleeding – I arrived 1cm dilated, and very soft. Benedict’s heartbeat never faltered throughout.

They took me to a delivery suite, by this point I was having regular back contractions. They broke my waters and things got really painful. I had hoped not to have another back labour, but no such luck.

Things moved quite fast until transition, and suddenly they stalled, I wasn’t getting past 7-8cm. The back labour was agonizing, I couldn’t get up and walk as he had to be monitored constantly, I’d done really well with no pain relief at this point, but after a couple of hours in transition with the pains coming every minute or so, I was just losing it. I remember just awful pain and eventually when there had been no progress I accepted the offer of diamorphine. That took the edge off and gave me back some control, but is something I regret, I wonder if it affect Benedict at all. An hour and half later and things had progressed a little, but my cervix wasn’t fully open at all, and it had a lip stopping him getting out.

More time waiting to feel the urge to push, the midwife said I could try to push past the lip and I was happy to oblige. Pushing was something I was very much ready for. I tried pushing on my side, and eventually pushed on my hands and knees and a few pushes later I fired Benedict out, apparently pretty fast, and luckily the midwife caught him. I didn’t hear anyone telling me to stop when he was crowning, but apparently they did. I needed a few stitches after that.

And here he is, my little Benedict.

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We aren’t having success with breastfeeding – he wont latch, he wont open his mouth and he wont suck when he does. He just screams hysterically at me until I take him off the breast. I’m now expressing milk for him, something I so desperately hoped not to need to do this time round. But he weighed in today at 5lb 15oz, so he really does need his feeds, even if this means I never get to breastfeed him properly. I wont lie and say I haven’t cried about that, I so badly wanted to breastfeed him, but I know I have to do what’s best and if I can’t get him to latch I have no choice but to either feed him formula or pump, and I’d rather pump and give him breastmilk.

He also wont go into a cot, he’ll only sleep in either my arms or my husband’s arms and I don’t feel safe co-sleeping right now, so we aren’t getting much sleep. Add to that the insane hysterical crying every night (wind and hunger) and I’m barely functioning.

And it’s worth every single second. I can’t believe he’s here and he’s mine. And all these hurdles and bumps in the road are nothing really. So what if I’m tired, so what if I don’t get the breastfeeding journey I dreamt of, he’s here, he’s healthy and alive and I love him.

My rainbow.

Thank you Gideon.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day.

Somehow I have made it 38 weeks and now it’s baby time.

Next time I update here will hopefully be with a picture of my healthy, living baby boy. I am hoping for a smooth labour and delivery and that my little guy handles it well and comes out alive and well. Watched over by his big brother in the sky.

Just hours to go.

Goodbye Christmas

Taking down the Christmas tree today, I was thinking that most women in my situation (37 weeks pregnant) would be thinking…next Christmas I’ll have almost year old baby with us. I can’t help whispering a “hopefully” onto that, I know nothing is certain.

My husband asked me what my resolution was this year. I don’t have one. I don’t think I had one last year except to get pregnant and to have my rainbow. While I haven’t quite given birth to my rainbow in 2012, I am very close. My 2013 baby. My resolution this year is simply to bring home my healthy baby. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Of course I would love to lose more weight, get my finances under control, get fit, keep my house more organized and a thousand other things people resolute every year. But what I want is my rainbow and to get to hold him, love him, take him home and watch him grow up.

But also this year I am going to keep a jar of good things. Every time something good happens, no matter how small or how big, we’ll write it down and put it in a jar. Then on Christmas Eve, when this baby has all his presents in his stocking, I’ll put all the written good things in Gideon’s stocking and on Christmas day we will sit there and take it in turns to read out all the good things that happened that year. And we’ll remember Gideon and all the wonderful things he brought into our lives.

 

37 weeks – Full Term

Well 37+1. I thought I posted yesterday, but clearly I imagined it. This time next week….

Hospital bag completely ready to go, co-sleeping cot assembled, pram ready, car seat not in the car but will be soon enough. I’m using my birthing ball daily to try and help this baby engage. I’m getting lots of braxton hicks and some more painful strong contractions, but nothing regular enough to send me running to L&D. I was woken by some pretty painful cramps last night, but they faded after half an hour or so.

I’ve been fighting off a cold too, which is not fun as I’m exhausted from not sleeping much. But overall, I’m OK, I wouldn’t like to go another 5 weeks though! Imagine going to 42 weeks!! Secretly glad to be induced, as I so look forward to meeting my little guy, even if I could have trouble initiating labour. I’m just hoping for a smooth induction and labour. And maybe then, when I’m holding my baby in my arms, I’ll believe it at last?