Happy Easter

Yesterdays Sunset Picture


Today’s sunrise picture


And a big smile from Benedict this Easter morning. 882942_10151317772377610_1496970356_o


I made a lovely cake for Gideon yesterday, except it didn’t turn out like I’d hoped. It looks funny. I’m more the icing kind of girl, not the frosting sort of girl. So…it was interesting.

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Happy Easter all!



Happy 2nd Birthday Gideon

This time two years ago I had given birth to my Gideon.

He scored 8 on his apgars, his first picture was him trying to hit the doctor intubating him. He was 1lb 15oz. I didn’t see him for over three hours, and I didn’t hold him for three days.

My Gideon. My amazing little boy.

We took little Bee down to the beach and released a balloon for Gideon.

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This year we are going to try and take photos of the sunrise and sunset every morning, for every day he lived. I say try because you don’t plan with a baby, you try.

This is today’s sunrise:

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If anyone would like to take a sunrise or sunset picture, wherever you are in the world, I would love it very much. And they will be in next years birthday video. 🙂

Talking of birthday videos. Here it is, Gideon’s 2nd birthday video – made inbetween crying spells (Benedict’s not mine…OK sometimes mine)

The Approaching Date

In 10 days is my Gideon’s 2nd Birthday. I can’t believe he would be two years old, it just baffles me that two years have passed since I first saw his beautiful face. We are planning something simple: cake, balloons and a video. Nothing too extravagant, just a small celebration of the wonderful life of my angel son. On Wednesday I am going to his grave to tidy it up and make it look nice again. I don’t get to visit often, because it’s quite far away.

Benedict got his first cold, and of course so did the rest of us. He slept all day yesterday and then not at all last night (of course). Poor little guy was coughing away, and had a fever, but he seems a bit better today, unlike me.

He gained 10oz in 10 days! how fantastic is that?

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Monthly progress report: 2 months

Here we are again. 2 months old, well a bit over, but hey. How have things changed since last month? well…he did sleep for 5 hours in a row for three nights, the rest is more like 1-2 hours, he has recently regressed to sleeping even less. He has not gained very much, but he is smiling more, cooing more and interacting more. He is very strong, all the doctors comment on that and he holds his head very steady. Developmentally he seems to be doing just fine, but he still acts like a newborn in many ways – nursing all the time, not sleeping at night, refusing to leave my arms etc.

Age: 2 Month2 monthscs
Weight: 7 lb 13 oz
Weight gain: +1lb 4 oz
Length: 23 inches
Percentile: below 0.4
Clothes Size: 0-3 months (length wise 0-3 months, but they are huge on the rest of him)
Hair Colour: Brown at back, blonde/brown at top
Eye Colour: Bluey Grey – slightly darker than last month

Hours of screaming per day on average: 12-18

Hours of sleep per day: 7-13

Food: Breastmilk, topping up with around 60-90ml of cow and gate comfort twice a day


  • Co-sleeping
  • Breasts
  • Eating
  • The car (while moving only)
  • Cloth nappies (only when dry)
  • Screaming
  • The bouncer (for a few minutes)
  • Baths
  • Loud and low sounds
  • Fantasia on Greensleeves
  • Jupiter
  • Pirates of the Caribbean (music)
  • Woodwind instrumentals
  • His pacifier sometimes
  • His hands to suck on
  • Cow and Gate comfort
  • The smell of strawberry jam, peanut butter, mum and me sleep balm
  • Being naked from waist down
  • Weeing on everything
  • Mouthing and licking everything that goes near him, clothes, hands, faces etc.


  • Sleeping
  • Being put down
  • Being wet
  • Being cold
  • Being hungry
  • His swing
  • Hats
  • Farting
  • Canon (Pachelbel)
  • Swaddling
  • Throwing up

Reflux, no current treatment
New Milestones:

  • Smiles at strangers
  • Smiles at objects
  • “Talks” to objects
  • Holds head steady for 10 minutes at least
  • Kicking legs and arms
  • Kicks objects on play mat
  • Lots more vocalization, even the occasional giggle.
  • Discovered his hands
  • Bearing weight on legs for a minute or two
  • Blows bubbles
  • Batting at toys with both left and right hands

Funny Quirks:

Will do everything in his power to avoid sleep, including punching himself in face, gouging his eyes, headbutting me etc.

Pushes out lower lip when annoyed at me.

Makes squealing sounds when he sees the breast

Smiles lovingly at the high contrast images above the bed.

Words To Describe Him:
High needs

My baby stopped breathing…”please take a seat”

Yesterday, little B had his 8 weeks jabs. An hour later he stopped breathing, he’s fine, we got him breathing again, but what a scary few seconds that was.

We had put him down for his nap, he was protesting as always, but I was sitting in the room with him, checking on him and rocking the pram every few minutes. DH went up and starting rocking the pram, he then told me that little B was staring vacantly not blinking, a few seconds later he says “Look at his hand” I stood up and looked. Little B’s hand was a strange grey colour, it looked like…death. I looked at B who was not moving and just staring. He was an odd colour, I touched his hand and it felt like…Gideon’s hand after he had died. Instantly I realised little B was not breathing. I put my hand on his chest and gave it a little shake. I thought for a second that did it. But he didn’t move, Dh quickly picked him up and rubbed his chest and he started breathing again. His vacant gaze didn’t really leave for a while. For an hour after that he was just not quite right. We decided to take him to the emergency room, even though he was screeching hysterically at us as usual by this point.

And so, we tell the receptionist, “my son is 8 weeks old, he had his jabs and an hour later he stopped breathing,” the receptionist replies “please take a seat.” An HOUR later we are finally seen. Yes an HOUR, long after the man with a sore finger was seen, and the foreigners with a cough. Yes, an hour long wait in a hospital waiting room with an 8 week old baby who had just stopped breathing.

We we seen in triage, they checked his o2 levels, which were fine apart from when he was crying, then they dropped – apparently that’s normal. Then they sent us back to the ward we were at just days before. We saw a doctor who barely spoke English who sent us home telling us it was probably just a “one off”. Yes, a “one off” that could have killed little B if my husband had not been watching him. I can’t throw that image of him lying there, looking dead, from my mind. And the doctors don’t care at all. It’s too coincidental to me that it happened right after his jabs, but do they listen?

On the plus side, he has apparently gained weight  since he was last weighed. According to the scales he has probably gained between 5-6 oz in 4 days. Yay! I only give him a top up once to twice a day, but I do give him a little cereal in some of my expressed milk (less an half a tsp) with lactase enzymes to help his digestion. It seems to me that he struggles to digest all the foremilk he gets, but when he has a bottle he doesn’t get the usual gas he gets, as the formula slows down his digestion, allowing his body time to make enough lactase enzymes to digest the breast milk. So I’ve been adding tiny amounts of cereal and some lactase enzymes to slow down digestion and it does seem to help him. It’s not a perfect solution as if he’s not getting enough hindmilk then that is the reason he’s not gaining weight. But I can’t block feed as I don’t want to decrease my milk, I just think he’s not efficient at sucking. That should improve with age.

What a difficult few weeks these have been. I hope the future is brighter for little B.

His nap earlier

His nap earlier

Right after his jabs

Right after his jabs

Turning 30, hospitals, suspicion and mothers day (with pictures)

Phew, that’s a title and a half.

Today, I am 30. It also happens to be UK mothers day…well on Friday, little B (Benedict) was admitted to hospital for failing to thrive. He gained just 3oz in a week and fell further in his charts, much too far below the 0.4th percentile for my comfort. That combined with 18 hours of screaming a day and I was worried. It was US who demanded someone run some tests. We.had been voicing our concerns for weeks…and of course once we arrive in the hospital ‘to get him checked over’ we are not allowed to leave.


I’m intelligent enough to understand what was happening. The implication was barely hidden below the politeness of the doctors and nurses. Little B was not allowed home, they had to observe him. Really, they wanted to observe us, on suspicion of neglecting him. Starving him. Me with my 16 hours of nursing and endless concern…me who had been begging for help for 8 weeks.

So we stayed in. They ran NO tests at all, nothing. Just watched us through the windows of our room as I held him, rocked him, bounced him. I jiggled him around the room for 2 hours when he got cranky and wouldn’t sleep. The nurses soon dropped the idea that we were neglecting him. The head doctor agreed. The doctor who had admitted us wanted to observe him some more. Lucky the head doctor pulled rank. I was also told time and time again that I was spoiling little B by holding him. They took him from me to put him down, they told me to let him cry it out. I disregarded them and held him anyway..but it was nice to know we had gone from neglecting him to spoiling him.


Two days and a night in hospital and not one test was ran on little B, not one. They did weigh him before and after feeds a couple of times. We were just told to top him up with formula. We had already decided to do that before he was even weighed. We had even bought in cow and gate comfort.

He likes the formula. I hate seeing him get it though. It’s something inbuilt, it goes against all my mothering instincts. But I nursed exclusively for 8 weeks, he struggled to gain. I gave it everything I had, every penny in the bank for a tongue tie clip. Sometimes you have to accept that you need a little extra help. He took 2oz after I nursed him last night and slept for four hours straight. Five hours since I had fed him. My breasts are hugely engorged. The milk is there.. I think more is happening than low supply, but we will see how he is.















Anyway, happy mothers day, especially to the mothers whose children fly high.

A special picture of my perfect little boys together.


Notice how alike they look? If you didn’t know better you’d think they were the same person, only older. I love how they look so alike. It’s like seeing glimpses of my angel. Of course they are very different little boys, but it’s nice little B shares looks with his older brother.

And thirty years old!!! This is what comes to mind when I think if the last decade. In my twenties I…

  • Had a premature baby
  • Buried my son
  • Had a full term baby
  • Went to university three times
  • Was a teacher for a year
  • Nearly completed a distance learning degree
  • Lost my father
  • Got married after 12 years together.
  • Moved a total of five times. Twice a big move.
  • Moved to the seaside
  • Went to south Africa
  • Travelled round the east coast of south Africa staying in backpackers lodges (sheds)
  • Took up smoking
  • Gave up smoking
  • Gained over 150 pounds
  • Lost 90 pounds
  • Fed my baby exclusively by pumping
  • Pumped for two months to donate to a milk bank
  • Read probably hundreds of books
  • Wrote six books
  • Got into debt
  • Went to Belgium
  • Travelled round England and Wales with a tent and no plan
  • Went to Edinburgh
  • Went to York
  • Went to Bath
  • Learnt to drive
  • Failed my driving test

That is all I can think of right now.