Day 29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?
I found this question very hard to answer for some reason. There are many things that have helped me heal a little along the way, to find a small bit of peace. Getting married, having Benedict and learning to hope for the future, while still carrying my Gideon with me. But trying to find meaning in Gideon’s short life was so important to me. It was hard to understand why Gideon was given to me only to be taken away so soon, I still struggle with that now, but I keep trying to make my life better, so that I can say, “I had a baby, he died, but my life is better for knowing him. I am better for knowing him,” I don’t want people to look at me and say “how awful, look at what losing her son has done to her.” I try to live my life in a way that honours him, and to avoid doing things I know I’ll regret. Of course in the real world it’s not that easy, but I try. And trying helps my heart to heal, to know I am doing my best to make his short life resonate throughout as many lives as possible.
Also, having all the photos of him, really helped. Sometimes I could barely believe everything that had happened, it was sometimes hard to believe i’d ever had Gideon, those photos kept me sane, kept me in reality. There is a lot of controversy about photos of these little angels, but why? They are just children, they may look different than other babies, but they really are no different. You don’t see a child and think “oh that child is ugly, how dare she share photos,” so don’t complain about people wanting to show off their children, whether they are living or not. Sorry, that rant is out the way.
Day 30 Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?
I do believe I have grown as a person, life is hard, but I don’t want to take for granted all the wonderful things that I have. Even when we are having a very hard day and Benedict wont stop screaming, I don’t want to forget just how lucky I am to have him. I don’t want to spend my life worrying about the little things, not when huge things are happening. What really matters is family. Life passes by so fast and we miss so much as the days merge into one another, I want each day to matter. I know Gideon had a higher purpose, not only to come and save Benedict’s life, by letting us know about my problems carrying pregnancy, but he made us parents, he made me a mother and he cemented in me the certainty that there IS more to this world than we can see. His legacy lives on, in a thousand ways. I don’t know if he was destined to die, or if that part of fate was undecided, but he was meant to come to us. And I treasure every single memory I had with him.