Crazy Dreams

I’ve been a bit of a flare since I’ve started this autoimmune diet. I’ve no idea if the diet is causing the flare, but I feel rough! I’m hoping that it’s some sort of detox…or a “get worse before you get better” thing, because I can’t keep doing this for much longer feeling this way. I’ve got a permanent headache, constantly bloated (I even wake up bloated in the morning) nasal and mouth ulcers constantly, joint pain constantly, exhaustion, confusion, tinnitus, and my face rash has been so bad it’s been a little embarrassing even going out. I’ve also been having very very vivid nightmares, lots of dreams about babies dying, miscarriage and baby loss. It’s bizarre. It’s the kind of dreams I would expect while pregnant, and nope, I’m definitely not pregnant.

I’m in the middle of trying to pass exams to work for an internet rating company. It’s hard work, there is lots of stuff to learn, and I had my first conference call today. I can’t say much about the work due to confidentiality, but it isn’t easy at all, especially when you feel as spacey and sick as I’m feeling right now. I have a deep fear that one day all days will be like this, right now this is my worst, or almost my worst, but even the good days aren’t that good anymore, and the bad days are just increasing. By the time they figure this out, it could be a permanent state of confusion and pain.

So, hoping that this is just detox. I’ve been on the diet now for 5 days. That is all. I’m giving it a little longer before doing the dreaded thing…going to the doctors again. It feels me with fear and loathing to even think of it.

Benedict is good. He’s been a bit strange recently, acting incredibly hyped up (even more so than usual) and then crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason. He loves spinning in circles, even while eating, pouncing on me and biting me and diving head first off the chair! His feet caught on the chair and he did a flip in the air landing on his head. Ouch! He’s brilliant though, always making me laugh and if I could just borrow a little of his boundless energy I would be one happy mummy!

We had a lovely bbq yesterday as the weather was so nice, I gave Benedict a bucket of water and some toys and he had a great time splashing it everywhere, pouring it on himself and me.

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It was fun. And I’m tired, so good night (I hope).

Visited His Grave

I still need to make a video for Gideon’s third birthday, as always, but I can’t find a song that speaks to me. Maybe I need to listen to the radio more to find that song. But I don’t know. Usually, I just hear something, and I know it’s right.

I had a nice Easter, of course Benedict was ill with something, he had a high fever and a nice rash all over his body. With scarlet fever going round we were worried, but the doctor decided it was likely viral and it went away pretty fast.

I tried not to eat too many Easter eggs, for waistline reasons. And Benedict enjoyed helping me out I’m sure.

Easter is always bitter sweet for me, it was Easter time that we lost Gideon of course. We had to delay the funeral as it was Holy Week. When I think back, I remember very little of the week or so leading up to the funeral, or even the funeral itself, I navigated it in a sort of trance like dream. But I know it was tomorrow, the 26th.

I remember trying to choose flowers. Asking if they could make anything small enough to fit on a tiny white coffin. Things like that stick in your mind. I remember visiting him for the last time in the funeral home. And he looked so small, but so peaceful. I remember thinking I wanted to pick him up and run away with him. As absurd as that sounds. I just couldn’t imagine never seeing him again.

And I never imagined making it here. Three years down the line. Somehow, still going. Despite the pain. And, yes, chasing around a different little boy, a laughing, funny little boy. It was the dream. I got the dream because of Gideon, but I never got to have it with Gideon.

We finally got the chance to go and visit his grave, this year everything has seemed to go wrong, there has been so much stuff happening, so it’s been impossible to go visit. Once I arrived I felt so guilty we hadn’t visited sooner. His grave was beautiful of course – we had planted flowers, and they were in bloom, but still, I felt we should go more often. A couple of things were missing from the grave, I’m hoping just from the bad weather…

Benedict helped by handing us flowers and walking around holding the gardening fork, looking purposeful. He also took a flower, and walked with determination over to another grave. The grave of a little boy who died aged just 6. He just toddled over and smiled, and then put the flower on the boy’s grave. You could hear him muttering to himself, about dis and dat.

It was very sweet to watch him, I don’t know why he chose that grave, he just did. And we left the flower there of course. He seemed so determined about it, I couldn’t take it away.

You can see how Gideon’s grave is a little wild, but that’s because we planted so many flowers there. I might need to trim them back a bit so they don’t overwhelm the little stone.

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Benedict likes the cemetery, he waves at things we can’t see. And because we talk about Gideon a lot, he likes the association that these flowers are for Gideon.

Anyway, it’s late again, and I must go to bed.

Some pictures

Here are some lovely photos from Gideon’s angel day and birthday

This is Benedict with Gideon’s balloon. He played with it a lot. So a photo was hard to get.

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This is Gideon’s Angel Day cake. I spent a long time trying to get it right. The arc was supposed to be a rainbow, but I ran out of time…And it kept falling apart.

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We went to the beach as it was a lovely day, and had a picnic. beach(c) chair(c) hat(c)

 

We tried to have a lovely day for Gideon. As if he were with us. But I can always feel very keenly, the lack of Gideon’s physical presence on beautiful sunny days like that. I miss him. A lot.

If you are new to baby loss, I want you to know that it does get…easier, the pain is still there, I still miss him a lot, but the rawness has gone, that huge gaping raw hole has somehow become less…consuming.

At the start, when the world seems so cruel, and devastating and you don’t even want to wake up up in the morning and the grief is this clawing animal ripping your heart to shreds with every breath, you can’t imagine ever living a “normal” life with that kind of loss. But you do. I still miss my Gideon, every day. It isn’t just something I say, I don’t just remember him on his special days. I actually think about him every day of my life. His picture is up on the walls of almost every room, I remember him. I think about him. I love him. I miss him.

And somehow time keeps moving forward, taking me further and further away from the year that we met and said goodbye.

And even when the memories start to fade, and the little pieces of the days we spent together become less clear in my mind, and the evocative memory of his smell, his warmth, his tiny hands…even when all of that is a struggle to unearth from my mind, I still love him.

Eternally.

 

Happy Angel Day My Gideon

Three years ago today, we made the hardest decision we have ever made. I never even imagined having to make the choice to end my child’s suffering, but we did. I know that it will never get easier to deal with his death, but I know that he is never ever forgotten. My little boy gave me such joy in his short life and I miss him every day. Wherever he is, I hope he knows how much we love him.

Today, this article came up on my newsfeed, from StillStanding Magazine. Of all days to see this article, I needed it today. It was like a small message from my Gideon. It gave me a little bit of peace.

We had a nice day. We went to the beach, we had cake (photos to come tomorrow) and we remembered. I haven’t been able to go to the grave, due to so many things happening at once, including the car needed repairs, so we can’t drive. But next week, I will finally go and visit him, and do some weeding and tidying, show his grave some love.

My Gideon. Thank you for giving us the 17 days, thank you for coming to us and being our little boy, thank you for showing me true strength and love. Thank you for our rainbow. Have fun in the clouds little warrior.  Mummy  x

General Waffle Update (no waffles included)

I’ve been using a wheelchair and crutches to get around the last few days, but thanks to some ankle splints (on both ankles) and lots of rest and elevation, they have been healing much faster than last time I sprained an ankle (which took months). I’m still not able to walk properly, but I can at least bear weight on my worst ankle (my right), but not put my foot down completely, for some reason I can’t put my big toe down when I walk. But I am hopeful that I will get full use back in the coming weeks. And not fall down any more stairs. I still shudder to think what would have happened if I’d been holding Benedict.

Benedict has been particularly whiny recently, I think he is getting molars, but it still drives me batty. Although today I asked him to stop whining and tell me what he wanted and he said “dat cup,” and pointed at a cup. I gave him the cup and he threw water all over me. Sigh, but at least the stopped whining. And then later when he was whining I asked him again and he said “go out,” and once hubby opened the living room door he ran to the front door, but it was nap time, so I guess we are hobbling out later 🙂

It’s nice that he is speaking more, his babbling is really coming along. For so long all he has said is “dat dat dat” and screeched, now it’s more vowel and consonant sounds and attempts to make words and small sentences. It’s fascinating how they develop!

My husband has been made redundant. Again. The last three jobs he has been made redundant, through no fault of his own, companies going out of business, moving, or losing contracts, but THREE!! I know there’s been a recession, but still, this one lasted three whole years and although he fervently hated it, he was at least working nights, so he was home during the day when I was on bedrest and when Benedict was born. Little Benedict is going to get a shock if daddy works days and isn’t around all the time. If anyone out there wants to employ him he is a skilled driver, and qualified domestic electrician – he just can’t find work as the former (or any other work for that matter), and has no hands-on experience of the latter. Today he had his meeting about the redundancy package, three weeks (one for every week he worked there) and a week for the notice period. Not a lot of money at all.

And I was so hoping to go on holiday this year, I was thinking of renting a holiday cottage, or flat. Because I’m just not sure how I could go camping with Benedict running around as he is, I’d never be able to keep him in our camp. I’ve been looking for some (real) work at home opportunities to bring in a little extra money. I used to simply do freelance writing, but it’s very hard to do that with Benedict around. I applied to work at Lionbridge, but apparently, since I live in Wales, I either have to apply for the Welsh version – where I need to speak fluent Welsh, or nothing. I don’t speak fluent Welsh. But maybe something similar? Any ideas?

Anyhow, how about a nice picture of Benedict sitting in a chair reading. He climbed up there himself to read his magazine on animals. He is very serious about his interests in animals. 10003205_10151938968187610_406638087_n

Body Clock Confusion

I really dislike the clocks changing. Benedict now goes to bed later, and isn’t in bed until 8pm, rather than 7pm. Which isn’t that bad I guess, except then his naps are all messed up during the day, and my body clock is annoyed and I have no idea when to sleep. It’s 10:40pm and I don’t even feel ready for bed, but I need to go to bed because I don’t get much sleep with the PAIN in my ankles.

Also Benedict is getting the dreaded molars! Eek! He is very cranky, and I can’t even take him out at the moment, because I can’t walk. He did enjoy going out for Gideon’s birthday and helping us release a balloon. He wanted to go paddling in the sea too. Even though it’s very cold, he still loves it and I think he will have a great time in summer, even if that means I have to cover up completely and use a parasol, I will take him to the beach.

I wont get to visit Gideon’s grave until this ankles heal a little bit, I will hopefully manage it before his angel’s day. I feel guilty about it, but there is no way I can make the journey in this much pain.

And his cake was not exactly a success. I tried to make it gluten and dairy free so Benedict could eat some, but it was horrid and dense, and my icing colours have gone crazy so it looks weird. And well, it was just 80% frosting. Yuck! So I’m hoping to make a better attempt at the angel day cake…if I can sit down while I do it. I’ll upload a picture of the birthday cake tomorrow, not my best work. But I can laugh about it. I should never attempt frosting, I am just no good at it.

And I should now go to bed. It’s going to take me half an hour to climb those stairs!

Double Ouch!

Yesterday, I fell down some concrete stairs. That sounds bad, I know. I was having a bad flare day, and I just sort of…fell over and down the stairs. I was lucky that I wasn’t holding Benedict at the time. I have however injured BOTH ankles. Yes, not one, but BOTH. I cannot walk. My left ankle is painful, feels like a average sprain, but my right is agony, it hurts constantly, I cannot bear weight on it at all, and even a blanket rubbing on it hurts. So, really, I’m sitting here, unable to do anything at all, while my husband has gone out to do some shopping with Benedict.

I feel awful. This is a hard time of year, and it’s been a difficult year so far anyway, and now all I can do is sit here, with my feet elevated, and try not to get bored or feel to guilty that I can’t look after my son!

So I’m pretty annoyed to say the least. Annoyed and angry that I can’t even safely walk down stairs any more. And in a lot of pain. I’m breastfeeding, so can’t take much more than paracetamol anyway.

Ah well, maybe I’ll get some writing done – and drawing! Exciting stuff this is!