Happy 4th Birthday to my Gideon

On 30th March, my wonderful little angel would have been 4 years old. If he was going to be traditional schooled, he would have been going this September. I think he would have been a very excitable little boy running around, playing with Benedict, causing chaos and filling my house with noise and laughter.

But he’s an angel. I don’t know what he looks like, or anything about him. I can only dream of what it would be like to see him again, and try to remember every tiny detail of his little body and face. I can only imagine the kind of boy he would have been and how different our family would have been if he had survived.

I made him a cake. An owl cake that Benedict chose from pinterest.

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We usually release a balloon on our local beach, but apparently holding onto a balloon was too difficult for my husband and he lost it before we got it back to the car from the shop. So no balloon release today, it breaks my heart. I know Gideon doesn’t really mind, but I worry he might think we have forgotten, or not bothered with his balloon.

But we had cake. Benedict offered to blow out the candles for him, and we sang happy birthday. And next year, if all is well, we’ll do it all with a little girl too. With extra balloons. That I will hold onto.

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So happy birthday Giddy yums. Words cannot describe how much I miss you or how sad I feel that you cannot be here today. But you are always with us, and we will love you forever. You have sent us not one, but TWO beautiful rainbows and both of them will know all about you and celebrate your life with us.

Today, Benedict asked “where is Giddy?”

Dancing in the clouds, my love. He is dancing in the clouds.

I’m having a…

GIRL! It was quite a shock, I was expecting another boy, but there was definitely no boy parts. Although she did have her legs crossed for a good while.

Here she is

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And this was our announcement yesterday.

announcementI am still in disbelief I think. I keep referring to her as him and my husband corrects me. Even since before I knew I was pregnant, my Benedict was talking about “baby sister” and he hasn’t stopped since. He knew this was a little girl.

Pregnancy wise it’s definitely not going to be an easy one (not that it ever is for me). My SPD is awful at the moment and I have very limited mobility. Today, I made the effort to go out the local home education group, it was the first time we’d been. There was no one there, I ended up walking across a field twice trying to figure out what was going on. Turns out they had the time wrong on their facebook page, sigh. We went home as it would have been too late for my husband ,who needed to go back to work. But by the time I got out the car and had to climb the stairs to my front door…well I couldn’t, and husband had to try to help by half lifting me. The pain is excruciating – and I’m only 17 weeks. I’m seeing an osteopath tomorrow, and hoping for some relief.

And of course, my gestational diabetes is in full swing and I’m trying to take it easy with walking around anyway with my cervix, but I have a toddler and it’s much harder than last time.

But it’s my autoimmune causing the worst issues. I’ve been pretty unwell throughout this pregnancy and developed Raynauds, but my rheumatologist (before dismissing me as ‘post viral’) ran some final blood tests when I was 14 weeks pregnant. Several antibodies came back positive, obviously my ANA is still high at 1:1280, but it has been for years, but also my anti ro and anti la antibodies came back positive, these antibodies show up in lupus and sjorens and in pregnancy they are a risk for causing neonatal lupus and complete heart block. Also I got a positive p-anca. The heart block is definitely worrying, it’s only a small risk – 2 to 5%, but it’s not a good one if it happens. I’m still waiting on discussing it all with my doctor and talking about monitoring the baby’s heart. It should be monitored by ultrasound weekly from 16 weeks, and if heart block is found then I need steroids throughout my pregnancy to try and reduce the severity. But should be is not the same as will be. My local healthcare is not well known for being proactive.

I knew my pregnancy wouldn’t be easy, but this confirms what I’d already thought – this is my last baby. Let’s hope we can get her to a good gestation (preferably full term) and healthy.

I’m feeling lots of little kicks, she is nowhere near as active as her brothers, even on her scans she looks calm and just chilling out, but I get some little kicks every couple of hours or so.

I love her so much already.

15 weeks

I am 15 weeks today. My SPD is already really bad. I have to do nothing or risk not being able to even walk upstairs, the other day I walked around the play park with Benedict, I did not lift him (hubby was there) and I did not do much else, but it was enough to hurt my pelvis. I am planning on seeing an osteopath next time I get paid (in a week). I am hoping and hoping that she can do something otherwise it’s going to be a very painful pregnancy. But it’s my last and I’ll make it work, even if it means not leaving the house except on the weekends in a wheelchair.

I’ll be finding out the gender in a couple of weeks (they are making me wait until 17 weeks). I still don’t know, but Benedict is insisting “sister” but he lifts his own top and says “me has baby brother in tummy” lol.

We are getting close to that time when I pprom’d with Gideon. I knew it was around this time, but I have timehop and timehop yesterday said “wow that was a big needle” 4 years ago. I know that referred to my anti-d shot after I first sprung a leak, which means that pprom happened about tomorrow, the 2nd of March. I didn’t realise I was leaking amniotic fluid otherwise I would have rested of course. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. My angel would be school age this year. It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long.

We found little Joey on the doppler easily yesterday, he was kicking it and swishing around. I’m already getting some movement. Just tiny swishy kicks, which is lovely and reassuring, I started getting them for sure right around 14 weeks, but I had some very light movements before that. My midwife will tell me it’s impossible of course (because of my weights) but I can tell baby movement from usual bowel stuff, and I felt it around 16 weeks with Gideon, and around this time with Benedict.

I should be failing my glucose tolerance test in about a week and a half. Not looking forward to that.

And Benedict has well and truly hit the terrible twos. in the shops today he just lay down and refused to get up. I tried all my usual gentle/respectful parenting methods and he still wouldn’t get up. So to my horror we had to pull him up kicking and screaming. Oh it was awful. We’ve had so many tantrums recently, and he’s not sleeping well. Trying to not get annoyed and stick to my well researched methods is quite difficult – it means no punishing him, but lots of limits and plenty of talking. Luckily he is quite good at talking and can usually tell me what he wants, but today he just said nothing.

Fun time to come I can tell you 🙂 I wonder how he’ll cope with a little brother or sister? He does seem excited about it and keeps asking if Joey will play doll house with him.