I feel a bit crap for not posting earlier. His birthday passed in the whirlwind of life, we released balloons, made cake, went out for the day. He was remembered in the hustle and bustle of our lives, in the excited squeals of my two children, in the loud singing of Benedict shouting ‘Happy Birthday’ and blowing out his candles. We remembered. And we always will.
Today, we had a cream tea in honour of Gideon, well a dairy free cream tea. It was lovely. I miss him so much. I see him the laughter of my children, the empty space at the table, the brief moment of silence where I catch a breath.
The 5 years have passed both fast and slow, but my heart still yearns for him. My arms want to hold him close, my tongue wants to tell him how much I love him. I’m not in the trenches of grief anymore, I am not drowning in the waves of tears and pain, but I will never stop missing him.
He should be here.
He should be 5 years old and his laughter should fill the house as he plays with his brother.
Tomorrow, I will visit him again in the cemetery but he is not there.
I will take daffodils because he was born in spring in Wales, but he will not see their bright yellow joy brightening the small white stone that bears his name, nor smell the heady scent of spring.
In my mind he will always be 1lb 15oz.
My tiny warrior, always with us. Always loved.