I still need to make a video for Gideon’s third birthday, as always, but I can’t find a song that speaks to me. Maybe I need to listen to the radio more to find that song. But I don’t know. Usually, I just hear something, and I know it’s right.
I had a nice Easter, of course Benedict was ill with something, he had a high fever and a nice rash all over his body. With scarlet fever going round we were worried, but the doctor decided it was likely viral and it went away pretty fast.
I tried not to eat too many Easter eggs, for waistline reasons. And Benedict enjoyed helping me out I’m sure.
Easter is always bitter sweet for me, it was Easter time that we lost Gideon of course. We had to delay the funeral as it was Holy Week. When I think back, I remember very little of the week or so leading up to the funeral, or even the funeral itself, I navigated it in a sort of trance like dream. But I know it was tomorrow, the 26th.
I remember trying to choose flowers. Asking if they could make anything small enough to fit on a tiny white coffin. Things like that stick in your mind. I remember visiting him for the last time in the funeral home. And he looked so small, but so peaceful. I remember thinking I wanted to pick him up and run away with him. As absurd as that sounds. I just couldn’t imagine never seeing him again.
And I never imagined making it here. Three years down the line. Somehow, still going. Despite the pain. And, yes, chasing around a different little boy, a laughing, funny little boy. It was the dream. I got the dream because of Gideon, but I never got to have it with Gideon.
We finally got the chance to go and visit his grave, this year everything has seemed to go wrong, there has been so much stuff happening, so it’s been impossible to go visit. Once I arrived I felt so guilty we hadn’t visited sooner. His grave was beautiful of course – we had planted flowers, and they were in bloom, but still, I felt we should go more often. A couple of things were missing from the grave, I’m hoping just from the bad weather…
Benedict helped by handing us flowers and walking around holding the gardening fork, looking purposeful. He also took a flower, and walked with determination over to another grave. The grave of a little boy who died aged just 6. He just toddled over and smiled, and then put the flower on the boy’s grave. You could hear him muttering to himself, about dis and dat.
It was very sweet to watch him, I don’t know why he chose that grave, he just did. And we left the flower there of course. He seemed so determined about it, I couldn’t take it away.
You can see how Gideon’s grave is a little wild, but that’s because we planted so many flowers there. I might need to trim them back a bit so they don’t overwhelm the little stone.
Benedict likes the cemetery, he waves at things we can’t see. And because we talk about Gideon a lot, he likes the association that these flowers are for Gideon.
Anyway, it’s late again, and I must go to bed.