I’m having a…

GIRL! It was quite a shock, I was expecting another boy, but there was definitely no boy parts. Although she did have her legs crossed for a good while.

Here she is


And this was our announcement yesterday.

announcementI am still in disbelief I think. I keep referring to her as him and my husband corrects me. Even since before I knew I was pregnant, my Benedict was talking about “baby sister” and he hasn’t stopped since. He knew this was a little girl.

Pregnancy wise it’s definitely not going to be an easy one (not that it ever is for me). My SPD is awful at the moment and I have very limited mobility. Today, I made the effort to go out the local home education group, it was the first time we’d been. There was no one there, I ended up walking across a field twice trying to figure out what was going on. Turns out they had the time wrong on their facebook page, sigh. We went home as it would have been too late for my husband ,who needed to go back to work. But by the time I got out the car and had to climb the stairs to my front door…well I couldn’t, and husband had to try to help by half lifting me. The pain is excruciating – and I’m only 17 weeks. I’m seeing an osteopath tomorrow, and hoping for some relief.

And of course, my gestational diabetes is in full swing and I’m trying to take it easy with walking around anyway with my cervix, but I have a toddler and it’s much harder than last time.

But it’s my autoimmune causing the worst issues. I’ve been pretty unwell throughout this pregnancy and developed Raynauds, but my rheumatologist (before dismissing me as ‘post viral’) ran some final blood tests when I was 14 weeks pregnant. Several antibodies came back positive, obviously my ANA is still high at 1:1280, but it has been for years, but also my anti ro and anti la antibodies came back positive, these antibodies show up in lupus and sjorens and in pregnancy they are a risk for causing neonatal lupus and complete heart block. Also I got a positive p-anca. The heart block is definitely worrying, it’s only a small risk – 2 to 5%, but it’s not a good one if it happens. I’m still waiting on discussing it all with my doctor and talking about monitoring the baby’s heart. It should be monitored by ultrasound weekly from 16 weeks, and if heart block is found then I need steroids throughout my pregnancy to try and reduce the severity. But should be is not the same as will be. My local healthcare is not well known for being proactive.

I knew my pregnancy wouldn’t be easy, but this confirms what I’d already thought – this is my last baby. Let’s hope we can get her to a good gestation (preferably full term) and healthy.

I’m feeling lots of little kicks, she is nowhere near as active as her brothers, even on her scans she looks calm and just chilling out, but I get some little kicks every couple of hours or so.

I love her so much already.



I know it’s been a frightfully long time since I’ve written anything. Somehow time got away from me. There is one other reason of course…



Meet “Joey” (as named by Benedict). I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant right now. I wasn’t actually trying to hide this, I even wrote several half blog posts but never got round to publishing them. i don’t know where the time goes these days. Hubby got a job working during the day,rather than nights, I’m working 3-4 hours a day from home and doing my degree and I never seem to stop.  And I’m adding a little person into my crazy house :D.

I am not known for my fertility, so when i was pregnant on the first month we decided to “sort of try” I was shocked, amazed and utterly in awe. I was expecting to wait at least a year. I felt the day of implantation and thought, “I wonder if that was implantation,” and decided it was impossible. At 9 days past ovulation I got a positive pregnancy test! I also had a dream about this little guy implanting on the left side of my uterus – and that is exactly where he/she is.

And even before I took a test, Benedict knew, he was chatting all month about babies. I didn’t even know why. He kept telling me about his “sister”. It would be amazing if this is his sister!

I had my cerclage on Tuesday, it went well enough but I woke up with all my muscles in my neck, jaw and stomach hurting. Very weird. I’m trying to relax as much as possible, but it is much harder this time, looking after a toddler.

I asked my doctor why my last cerclage “came undone” my previous cerclage doctor has retired, so she didn’t really know. She did seem surprised though, and discussed the likelihood of my irritable uterus being the cause, and if I do get contractions I need to get my cervix scanned to check for funneling and dilation as then I really DO need to stop.

Benedict is a whirlwind of excitement, learning and joy. So much energy and love. Today, he said to me “me make mama happy again” because I’d not been playing as much since surgery. Poor little guy. I can have entire conversations with him now, full sentences about all manner of things. He also tells people “me miss you” when he sees them. I love him so much.

He even talks about Gideon. He wanted to bring food to Gideon’s grave one visit, I had to explain that Gideon doesn’t need food, but it was very kind to offer.

And he is so excited about Joey. He asks all the time to see baby, or to play with baby, or hug baby. He is really sweet, of course he has his tantrums and we had to move him to his toddler bed as I can no longer lift him, so he does often get up in the night and wake me. But he is such a bundle of fun.

Well, hopefully I’ll update more soon. My gender scan is around in around 3 weeks.


Tomorrow is the big day.

Somehow I have made it 38 weeks and now it’s baby time.

Next time I update here will hopefully be with a picture of my healthy, living baby boy. I am hoping for a smooth labour and delivery and that my little guy handles it well and comes out alive and well. Watched over by his big brother in the sky.

Just hours to go.

Goodbye Christmas

Taking down the Christmas tree today, I was thinking that most women in my situation (37 weeks pregnant) would be thinking…next Christmas I’ll have almost year old baby with us. I can’t help whispering a “hopefully” onto that, I know nothing is certain.

My husband asked me what my resolution was this year. I don’t have one. I don’t think I had one last year except to get pregnant and to have my rainbow. While I haven’t quite given birth to my rainbow in 2012, I am very close. My 2013 baby. My resolution this year is simply to bring home my healthy baby. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Of course I would love to lose more weight, get my finances under control, get fit, keep my house more organized and a thousand other things people resolute every year. But what I want is my rainbow and to get to hold him, love him, take him home and watch him grow up.

But also this year I am going to keep a jar of good things. Every time something good happens, no matter how small or how big, we’ll write it down and put it in a jar. Then on Christmas Eve, when this baby has all his presents in his stocking, I’ll put all the written good things in Gideon’s stocking and on Christmas day we will sit there and take it in turns to read out all the good things that happened that year. And we’ll remember Gideon and all the wonderful things he brought into our lives.


37 weeks – Full Term

Well 37+1. I thought I posted yesterday, but clearly I imagined it. This time next week….

Hospital bag completely ready to go, co-sleeping cot assembled, pram ready, car seat not in the car but will be soon enough. I’m using my birthing ball daily to try and help this baby engage. I’m getting lots of braxton hicks and some more painful strong contractions, but nothing regular enough to send me running to L&D. I was woken by some pretty painful cramps last night, but they faded after half an hour or so.

I’ve been fighting off a cold too, which is not fun as I’m exhausted from not sleeping much. But overall, I’m OK, I wouldn’t like to go another 5 weeks though! Imagine going to 42 weeks!! Secretly glad to be induced, as I so look forward to meeting my little guy, even if I could have trouble initiating labour. I’m just hoping for a smooth induction and labour. And maybe then, when I’m holding my baby in my arms, I’ll believe it at last?



9 Days

I’m on the countdown now. 9 days until induction.

I somehow cannot process the information that in 9 days there will be a baby here. That this baby will be here, and come home and live. My house is filled with baby items, right now I am staring at a bouncer, a swing and a baby gym sitting next to my Christmas tree and I still cannot process the information of this baby’s arrival.

Perhaps I am waiting for the piano. You know like in cartoons, where someone drops a piano on someone’s head. I’m here just minding my own business and someone drops a piano. I know these things do happen and could happen still.

As I wrote that, button kicked me to protest.

It’s not that I don’t believe button will make it, but that I can’t allow myself to feel certainty about something so important until he’s here, in my arms. I am so anxious about losing him that I will easily do 4 kick counts a day, if I’m sitting around not doing much, I’ll do a kick count. Night times scare me because that’s a long time with no kick count and the first thing I do when I wake up is prod him to see if he responds. Poor little guy, probably doesn’t get much sleep!

My blood sugar levels have been lower than expected yesterday and this morning, sometimes this can be a sign of impending labour, but I don’t think so. I do get lots of braxton hicks, and I’ve even had some painful contractions, but nothing regular. Sometimes it can be a sign of a failing placenta – hence all the kick counts. Sometimes your insulin resistance peaks at the start of the third trimester and then drops towards the end of pregnancy and I am 37 weeks on Tuesday. More than likely it’s a fluke and they’ll pick right  back up again in a couple of days. If they do stay as they are, eating will certainly be easier, but I’ll check with my nurse to ensure it’s nothing to worry myself over. I’ve enjoyed eating gingerbread and Christmas cake these last couple of days 😉 (not together). My Christmas cake was delicious of course!

Anyway 9 days. Stay strong little man.




Christmas Day

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. We had a lovely day and I did my best to be good for my diabetes. Of course with my mother’s fabulous Christmas pudding, it was impossibly  hard, I barely had a sliver and my post dinner numbers were 9.0. With 5 doses of insulin.

But look at this cake, on fire!

Christmas pudding on fire


Mmmm, resist THAT!

I tried to eats lots of Turkey and Sprouts to compensate. I sat through Church, I couldn’t really stand very much, I get awfully dizzy and breathless. So I sat there and sang along.

Little baby has been having a good time too. I do regular kick counts for him. We call him button, my mother calls him Huey and my younger brother calls him Wulsten. And we’ll have to decide on a name in 2 weeks, because this baby is going to be here very soon!

Also I just found out, I am GBS positive. It isn’t a test they run on the NHS, so I decided to go ahead and pay for it to be done privately, as I know how I always have these things. And I’m glad I did or I wouldn’t have known, I know they say the risks of the newborn catching GBS is “only” 1 in 200.  But I’ve been on the side of worse statistics that that. 1 in 200 is not a great number in my view. So that means in labour I’ll  need antibiotics, I am highly allergic to penicillin and cephalosporins. I only discovered the latter last pregnancy, as soon as they started the drip I vomited and then started itching everywhere, then my lips began to swell – not a good look. So they can’t give me the “usual” antibiotics. Hopefully I’ll be OK with whichever ones they give me. UK girls, it’s worth getting the test privately, it’s only £35 from here. You don’t pay for delivery, just for the lab processing. And it really is worth knowing.

Anyway, Happy Christmas all!

Hope you all had a great day and felt the presence of your angels throughout.