Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Today at 7pm thousands of people are going to light a candle for one hour, to participate in the wave of light.
When I think about all the babies that never made it, never got a chance to grow up, I cry.
My Gideon should be here with me now. He should be in my arms, or bouncing in his bouncer or sleeping in his cot. He should be experiencing new things every day, learning to laugh, to smile, he shouldn’t be just a memory. But he is.
Everyone’s aware this is breast cancer awareness month. No one knows that it’s also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Even though 1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy and/or infant loss in their lifetime.
When I think that Gideon could have survived, I get a hollow feeling in my stomach, a lurch of sickness. He could have survived. There are so many what-ifs, so much guilt, and us baby loss mother’s live with this pain, this agony, this grief, these endless what-ifs and the guilt of wondering if we did something wrong.
When I light the candle today, I don’t just remember my Gideon, but all the babies lost and all the mother’s (and fathers) suffering, I remember them.
I will leave it burning in my window all night, not just for an hour. Burning so my Gideon and all his angel friends can look down and know that I remember, that we are thinking about them. They are never forgotten.
Light a candle today. Remember.
Just because a child lived only a few hours, or days, or was born sleeping, doesn’t mean they didn’t influence lives, that they aren’t missed. I’ve lost a lot people in my life, and Gideon’s loss hurts worse than all of them.
And no matter how many children I have in the future, they will never replace Gideon. He is my first born, my little warrior.
Tiny Glimmers 