15 weeks

I am 15 weeks today. My SPD is already really bad. I have to do nothing or risk not being able to even walk upstairs, the other day I walked around the play park with Benedict, I did not lift him (hubby was there) and I did not do much else, but it was enough to hurt my pelvis. I am planning on seeing an osteopath next time I get paid (in a week). I am hoping and hoping that she can do something otherwise it’s going to be a very painful pregnancy. But it’s my last and I’ll make it work, even if it means not leaving the house except on the weekends in a wheelchair.

I’ll be finding out the gender in a couple of weeks (they are making me wait until 17 weeks). I still don’t know, but Benedict is insisting “sister” but he lifts his own top and says “me has baby brother in tummy” lol.

We are getting close to that time when I pprom’d with Gideon. I knew it was around this time, but I have timehop and timehop yesterday said “wow that was a big needle” 4 years ago. I know that referred to my anti-d shot after I first sprung a leak, which means that pprom happened about tomorrow, the 2nd of March. I didn’t realise I was leaking amniotic fluid otherwise I would have rested of course. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. My angel would be school age this year. It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long.

We found little Joey on the doppler easily yesterday, he was kicking it and swishing around. I’m already getting some movement. Just tiny swishy kicks, which is lovely and reassuring, I started getting them for sure right around 14 weeks, but I had some very light movements before that. My midwife will tell me it’s impossible of course (because of my weights) but I can tell baby movement from usual bowel stuff, and I felt it around 16 weeks with Gideon, and around this time with Benedict.

I should be failing my glucose tolerance test in about a week and a half. Not looking forward to that.

And Benedict has well and truly hit the terrible twos. in the shops today he just lay down and refused to get up. I tried all my usual gentle/respectful parenting methods and he still wouldn’t get up. So to my horror we had to pull him up kicking and screaming. Oh it was awful. We’ve had so many tantrums recently, and he’s not sleeping well. Trying to not get annoyed and stick to my well researched methods is quite difficult – it means no punishing him, but lots of limits and plenty of talking. Luckily he is quite good at talking and can usually tell me what he wants, but today he just said nothing.

Fun time to come I can tell you :) I wonder how he’ll cope with a little brother or sister? He does seem excited about it and keeps asking if Joey will play doll house with him.

Surprise!

I know it’s been a frightfully long time since I’ve written anything. Somehow time got away from me. There is one other reason of course…

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Meet “Joey” (as named by Benedict). I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant right now. I wasn’t actually trying to hide this, I even wrote several half blog posts but never got round to publishing them. i don’t know where the time goes these days. Hubby got a job working during the day,rather than nights, I’m working 3-4 hours a day from home and doing my degree and I never seem to stop.  And I’m adding a little person into my crazy house :D.

I am not known for my fertility, so when i was pregnant on the first month we decided to “sort of try” I was shocked, amazed and utterly in awe. I was expecting to wait at least a year. I felt the day of implantation and thought, “I wonder if that was implantation,” and decided it was impossible. At 9 days past ovulation I got a positive pregnancy test! I also had a dream about this little guy implanting on the left side of my uterus – and that is exactly where he/she is.

And even before I took a test, Benedict knew, he was chatting all month about babies. I didn’t even know why. He kept telling me about his “sister”. It would be amazing if this is his sister!

I had my cerclage on Tuesday, it went well enough but I woke up with all my muscles in my neck, jaw and stomach hurting. Very weird. I’m trying to relax as much as possible, but it is much harder this time, looking after a toddler.

I asked my doctor why my last cerclage “came undone” my previous cerclage doctor has retired, so she didn’t really know. She did seem surprised though, and discussed the likelihood of my irritable uterus being the cause, and if I do get contractions I need to get my cervix scanned to check for funneling and dilation as then I really DO need to stop.

Benedict is a whirlwind of excitement, learning and joy. So much energy and love. Today, he said to me “me make mama happy again” because I’d not been playing as much since surgery. Poor little guy. I can have entire conversations with him now, full sentences about all manner of things. He also tells people “me miss you” when he sees them. I love him so much.

He even talks about Gideon. He wanted to bring food to Gideon’s grave one visit, I had to explain that Gideon doesn’t need food, but it was very kind to offer.

And he is so excited about Joey. He asks all the time to see baby, or to play with baby, or hug baby. He is really sweet, of course he has his tantrums and we had to move him to his toddler bed as I can no longer lift him, so he does often get up in the night and wake me. But he is such a bundle of fun.

Well, hopefully I’ll update more soon. My gender scan is around in around 3 weeks.

Updates

Benedict is 2 in January, if you can believe it! He’s chatting up a storm and we’ve had so many new words recently, it’s astounding. He is also really into writing, he will tell me he’s going to write dada or mama, or nana etc and then make a little mark on the paper to represent the first letter. He can recognize most of the alphabet now, and has little foam letters which he uses with one of his animal books to match the letters with the animal.

If we are out and about he will stop and point out letters – such as the h in the sign for cash machine and sign horse at me, because he knows horse starts with h (but can’t quite say it yet).

It all began with an alphabet puzzle. I casually told him the letter names and a corresponding word and he just loved it. Then he invented the animal book game and he asks for it all time. This is why I’m actually considering home education for Benedict. It’s something I’ve been thinking about since I was pregnant with Gideon. I’ve gone back and forth over it, and done a lot of reading about home education and I think I’d like to try it. Seeing him learn is so exciting, he picks up things so fast and I love the idea of being his teacher and helping to develop that love of learning and interest in the world around him.

I’m initally just trying it until he’s 7 or so, and see how we feel about it then, since most studies shows no benefit from starting school at 4/5 like we do in the UK. There is a local home education group, actually a couple, so the whole ‘socialization’ issue is not something I need to worry about. Anway, I hope to write a whole post about my reasons for considering home education. I’m sure I’ll get it written before he turns 18!

 

Anyway, we went on holiday a couple of weeks ago. Just a cheap caravan holiday, but I’m apparently not used to holiday parks and wasn’t best impressed, but Benedict had a wonderful time, there was trains, buses, a sea life centre and a LOT of muddy puddles to jump in. My husband did manage to lose his brand new Bobux boots. They were so lovely. He is so forgetful – he left them on top of the car – again. He left his wallet there not long ago. Makes me mad.

We’ve also been ill with some virus or another, pretty much constantly for the last 6-8 weeks. And just started with another virus. Yuck. I hate being ill.

 

Here are a couple of pictures of Benedict on holiday. IMG_20141009_142647

 

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I will blog SOON. Honestly.

 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

I know it’s been so very long since I’ve blogged. I’ve got plenty of half written blog posts and not managed to finish them or publish them. Sigh, busy busy life. Anyway, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness today, I lit a candle for my Gideon, and for all the babies gone too soon.

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I can’t believe it’s been three waves of light. Three years since my baby boy left this earth. I know I need to blog more, so I am really going to try. I’ll write a different post for updates on us, this post is about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

 

18 months

My tiny little boy turned 18 months yesterday! What? How is this possible? Very odd. I’ve been so busy that I barely noticed it happening.

We went on holiday last week to Hay on Wye. Just for the week in a rented cottage. But we had a lovely time. Benedict was happy because he had his nana with him all day every day. This boy does loves his nana!

Also the house overlooked farm land. And every morning we saw a friendly cockerel outside the kitchen window, which was pretty much the most exciting thing in the world to Benedict. There was also sheep. He spent most of the days baaing and cock-a-doodle dooing.

He had a great time exploring, running around, and the house had a lovely garden – which we don’t have, and he spent every possible moment there.

Here are some pics

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he loves to carry the umbrella. That was at Llanthony Priory. It was just breathtaking.

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and he met dinosaurs

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and here’s a picture of him the other day, sitting on his new scuttle bug

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of course, being Benedict, he doesn’t just sit on scuttle bug

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haha! He’s so adventurous. And always friendly

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he can be a little grumpy determined. Especially if he doesn’t get enough sleep, or he gets up too early. Or he’s teething of course. He has acquired about 6 teeth in the last 6 weeks, so the poor boy has hardly been happy.

Anyway, I’ve weaned him down to only 3 feeds a day, and research suggests that hydroxy is actually safe for nursing, especially as he hardly feeds much now, so I’ll start it when I see my doc next month and wean Benedict with no huge rush.

I must go to bed. It’s 11pm, and I’m sure Benedict will have me up at 6am tomorrow.

 

Rheumy progress

I had my follow up rheumatology appointment last week and I’m happy to say that he is actually willing to do something for me. Not all my bloods came back, apparently they had some trouble with some of them, so I had more taken. But he said despite everything looking OK, my ANA is now extremely high and he doesn’t like to leave it like that. More than likely it will become clear later what they are dealing with, but until then he is starting me on hydroxychloroquine. It’s a lupus/rheumatoid arthritis med, but he said since it’s fairly benign, it’s safe enough to do a trial and see if it helps some of the symptoms.

He can’t promise anything, but he doesn’t think he would do any harm. I’m kind of excited to actually try something that may help. I’m happy that he is listening and willing to accept the fact that something is wrong. So YAY! However, he wants me to stop breastfeeding before we start, I’ve been cutting down a feed or two for Benedict, but i contacted a breastfeeding drugs person and they said that research shows no ill effect from taking hydroxy for the baby, so I could continue it. Plus my rheumy says he would even let me stay on it during pregnancy, should I get pregnant, he just doesn’t like to start these things in the middle of pregnancy, or while breastfeeding. So I’m half and half about whether I rush into weaning, or just keep as is now (3 times a day) and slowly wean him while taking hydroxy.

Either way, I’m very relieved after all this to have a plan. It’s been 7 years. This is the first step in any positive direction I have taken. Whether it works or not, I don’t know.

It’s weird, a couple of days before the appointment we were in the shopping centre, when two women approached us and said they had a list of people that God had told them they needed to pray for. On the list was “turquoise beads” and my mother was wearing a turquoise beaded necklace. My mother told them I needed prayer for my illness. Tae into account that I’m not exactly religious, so it was a bit weird. They proceeded to pray over me, while staring into my eyes and I felt embarrassed. I couldn’t help but wonder what they wanted, did they want money? Did they want to “recruit” us? But they didn’t seem to want anything, they simply prayed, wished me well and left. What did they get out of it? Even though I am not a practising Catholic, I was happy for any help I could get. And then I saw the rheumy and he had completely changed his tune, from “oh you’re fine, lots of people have a positive ANA” to “we need to do something about this and watch you closely,” I was in shock to say the least. He is, however, leaving in 8 weeks, so he wants me on the hydroxy before then.

Aside from that, Benedict is fine. 17 months old and still super spirited. We are currently on holiday. Our first in a while, so I’m trying to relax. Except for the fact that I left behind my entire rucksack with all my meds, my eye drops (for my very dry painful eyes) my steroid nasal spray etc…but worse of all…Giddy bear was in that rucksack. I take him with me if I ever go overnight, and I’m so sad I left him behind. What if something happens to him? It makes me obsess thinking about it. So I try not to.

Relaxing. I’m relaxing. Who knows, maybe I’ll have a new lease of life with hydroxy. Could happen!

International Bereaved Mother’s Day

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Today, is international bereaved mother’s day. It is a day to remember all those mothers who have a little someone in heaven, an empty chair at the table – those who have to love their child from afar. But I also see it as a day for those suffering from infertility, those who are mothers in their heart and in their dreams, but have a long (perhaps impossible) road to make it a reality.

Mother’s day when you’re only baby has died is torture, you feel lost, you feel alone, you feel empty. Your arms ache to hold your baby just one more time. And that sadness is still there on Mother’s day now, I have my Benedict, but I miss my Gideon. I remember the only mother’s day when he was alive, and the first time I held him and looked down at his face, peacefully sleeping. I was filled with more love than I ever thought possible.

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Today, is a day I can think about how to be a mother to Gideon, when he is not physically here. Sometimes I even feel as if he is somehow the “parent,” the wiser one. He is in heaven, he knows everything, and he is with me throughout my life – my little angel. It’s a strange feeling of protectiveness and love, while knowing he, no doubt, knows more than I. He knows heaven, he knows my heart, my soul.

He is a child, but more than a child.

He is a bright star in the heavens, and while I feel like I know him well – he knows galaxies, heaven and earth, the universe and all that it means.

Today, is a day of complexities.

I am mother to the universe.

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