Happy 4th Birthday to my Gideon

On 30th March, my wonderful little angel would have been 4 years old. If he was going to be traditional schooled, he would have been going this September. I think he would have been a very excitable little boy running around, playing with Benedict, causing chaos and filling my house with noise and laughter.

But he’s an angel. I don’t know what he looks like, or anything about him. I can only dream of what it would be like to see him again, and try to remember every tiny detail of his little body and face. I can only imagine the kind of boy he would have been and how different our family would have been if he had survived.

I made him a cake. An owl cake that Benedict chose from pinterest.

11084240_10152635245222610_943412807457809216_n

We usually release a balloon on our local beach, but apparently holding onto a balloon was too difficult for my husband and he lost it before we got it back to the car from the shop. So no balloon release today, it breaks my heart. I know Gideon doesn’t really mind, but I worry he might think we have forgotten, or not bothered with his balloon.

But we had cake. Benedict offered to blow out the candles for him, and we sang happy birthday. And next year, if all is well, we’ll do it all with a little girl too. With extra balloons. That I will hold onto.

22702_10152635792497610_3245836763051792148_n

So happy birthday Giddy yums. Words cannot describe how much I miss you or how sad I feel that you cannot be here today. But you are always with us, and we will love you forever. You have sent us not one, but TWO beautiful rainbows and both of them will know all about you and celebrate your life with us.

Today, Benedict asked “where is Giddy?”

Dancing in the clouds, my love. He is dancing in the clouds.

I’m having a…

GIRL! It was quite a shock, I was expecting another boy, but there was definitely no boy parts. Although she did have her legs crossed for a good while.

Here she is

IMG_0002

And this was our announcement yesterday.

announcementI am still in disbelief I think. I keep referring to her as him and my husband corrects me. Even since before I knew I was pregnant, my Benedict was talking about “baby sister” and he hasn’t stopped since. He knew this was a little girl.

Pregnancy wise it’s definitely not going to be an easy one (not that it ever is for me). My SPD is awful at the moment and I have very limited mobility. Today, I made the effort to go out the local home education group, it was the first time we’d been. There was no one there, I ended up walking across a field twice trying to figure out what was going on. Turns out they had the time wrong on their facebook page, sigh. We went home as it would have been too late for my husband ,who needed to go back to work. But by the time I got out the car and had to climb the stairs to my front door…well I couldn’t, and husband had to try to help by half lifting me. The pain is excruciating – and I’m only 17 weeks. I’m seeing an osteopath tomorrow, and hoping for some relief.

And of course, my gestational diabetes is in full swing and I’m trying to take it easy with walking around anyway with my cervix, but I have a toddler and it’s much harder than last time.

But it’s my autoimmune causing the worst issues. I’ve been pretty unwell throughout this pregnancy and developed Raynauds, but my rheumatologist (before dismissing me as ‘post viral’) ran some final blood tests when I was 14 weeks pregnant. Several antibodies came back positive, obviously my ANA is still high at 1:1280, but it has been for years, but also my anti ro and anti la antibodies came back positive, these antibodies show up in lupus and sjorens and in pregnancy they are a risk for causing neonatal lupus and complete heart block. Also I got a positive p-anca. The heart block is definitely worrying, it’s only a small risk – 2 to 5%, but it’s not a good one if it happens. I’m still waiting on discussing it all with my doctor and talking about monitoring the baby’s heart. It should be monitored by ultrasound weekly from 16 weeks, and if heart block is found then I need steroids throughout my pregnancy to try and reduce the severity. But should be is not the same as will be. My local healthcare is not well known for being proactive.

I knew my pregnancy wouldn’t be easy, but this confirms what I’d already thought – this is my last baby. Let’s hope we can get her to a good gestation (preferably full term) and healthy.

I’m feeling lots of little kicks, she is nowhere near as active as her brothers, even on her scans she looks calm and just chilling out, but I get some little kicks every couple of hours or so.

I love her so much already.

15 weeks

I am 15 weeks today. My SPD is already really bad. I have to do nothing or risk not being able to even walk upstairs, the other day I walked around the play park with Benedict, I did not lift him (hubby was there) and I did not do much else, but it was enough to hurt my pelvis. I am planning on seeing an osteopath next time I get paid (in a week). I am hoping and hoping that she can do something otherwise it’s going to be a very painful pregnancy. But it’s my last and I’ll make it work, even if it means not leaving the house except on the weekends in a wheelchair.

I’ll be finding out the gender in a couple of weeks (they are making me wait until 17 weeks). I still don’t know, but Benedict is insisting “sister” but he lifts his own top and says “me has baby brother in tummy” lol.

We are getting close to that time when I pprom’d with Gideon. I knew it was around this time, but I have timehop and timehop yesterday said “wow that was a big needle” 4 years ago. I know that referred to my anti-d shot after I first sprung a leak, which means that pprom happened about tomorrow, the 2nd of March. I didn’t realise I was leaking amniotic fluid otherwise I would have rested of course. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. My angel would be school age this year. It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long.

We found little Joey on the doppler easily yesterday, he was kicking it and swishing around. I’m already getting some movement. Just tiny swishy kicks, which is lovely and reassuring, I started getting them for sure right around 14 weeks, but I had some very light movements before that. My midwife will tell me it’s impossible of course (because of my weights) but I can tell baby movement from usual bowel stuff, and I felt it around 16 weeks with Gideon, and around this time with Benedict.

I should be failing my glucose tolerance test in about a week and a half. Not looking forward to that.

And Benedict has well and truly hit the terrible twos. in the shops today he just lay down and refused to get up. I tried all my usual gentle/respectful parenting methods and he still wouldn’t get up. So to my horror we had to pull him up kicking and screaming. Oh it was awful. We’ve had so many tantrums recently, and he’s not sleeping well. Trying to not get annoyed and stick to my well researched methods is quite difficult – it means no punishing him, but lots of limits and plenty of talking. Luckily he is quite good at talking and can usually tell me what he wants, but today he just said nothing.

Fun time to come I can tell you :) I wonder how he’ll cope with a little brother or sister? He does seem excited about it and keeps asking if Joey will play doll house with him.

Surprise!

I know it’s been a frightfully long time since I’ve written anything. Somehow time got away from me. There is one other reason of course…

XiSrl7dii7s-IyQQoFtmcIHivCAIPeUkS7a0ux6fzMug=w826-h553-no

 

Meet “Joey” (as named by Benedict). I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant right now. I wasn’t actually trying to hide this, I even wrote several half blog posts but never got round to publishing them. i don’t know where the time goes these days. Hubby got a job working during the day,rather than nights, I’m working 3-4 hours a day from home and doing my degree and I never seem to stop.  And I’m adding a little person into my crazy house :D.

I am not known for my fertility, so when i was pregnant on the first month we decided to “sort of try” I was shocked, amazed and utterly in awe. I was expecting to wait at least a year. I felt the day of implantation and thought, “I wonder if that was implantation,” and decided it was impossible. At 9 days past ovulation I got a positive pregnancy test! I also had a dream about this little guy implanting on the left side of my uterus – and that is exactly where he/she is.

And even before I took a test, Benedict knew, he was chatting all month about babies. I didn’t even know why. He kept telling me about his “sister”. It would be amazing if this is his sister!

I had my cerclage on Tuesday, it went well enough but I woke up with all my muscles in my neck, jaw and stomach hurting. Very weird. I’m trying to relax as much as possible, but it is much harder this time, looking after a toddler.

I asked my doctor why my last cerclage “came undone” my previous cerclage doctor has retired, so she didn’t really know. She did seem surprised though, and discussed the likelihood of my irritable uterus being the cause, and if I do get contractions I need to get my cervix scanned to check for funneling and dilation as then I really DO need to stop.

Benedict is a whirlwind of excitement, learning and joy. So much energy and love. Today, he said to me “me make mama happy again” because I’d not been playing as much since surgery. Poor little guy. I can have entire conversations with him now, full sentences about all manner of things. He also tells people “me miss you” when he sees them. I love him so much.

He even talks about Gideon. He wanted to bring food to Gideon’s grave one visit, I had to explain that Gideon doesn’t need food, but it was very kind to offer.

And he is so excited about Joey. He asks all the time to see baby, or to play with baby, or hug baby. He is really sweet, of course he has his tantrums and we had to move him to his toddler bed as I can no longer lift him, so he does often get up in the night and wake me. But he is such a bundle of fun.

Well, hopefully I’ll update more soon. My gender scan is around in around 3 weeks.

Updates

Benedict is 2 in January, if you can believe it! He’s chatting up a storm and we’ve had so many new words recently, it’s astounding. He is also really into writing, he will tell me he’s going to write dada or mama, or nana etc and then make a little mark on the paper to represent the first letter. He can recognize most of the alphabet now, and has little foam letters which he uses with one of his animal books to match the letters with the animal.

If we are out and about he will stop and point out letters – such as the h in the sign for cash machine and sign horse at me, because he knows horse starts with h (but can’t quite say it yet).

It all began with an alphabet puzzle. I casually told him the letter names and a corresponding word and he just loved it. Then he invented the animal book game and he asks for it all time. This is why I’m actually considering home education for Benedict. It’s something I’ve been thinking about since I was pregnant with Gideon. I’ve gone back and forth over it, and done a lot of reading about home education and I think I’d like to try it. Seeing him learn is so exciting, he picks up things so fast and I love the idea of being his teacher and helping to develop that love of learning and interest in the world around him.

I’m initally just trying it until he’s 7 or so, and see how we feel about it then, since most studies shows no benefit from starting school at 4/5 like we do in the UK. There is a local home education group, actually a couple, so the whole ‘socialization’ issue is not something I need to worry about. Anway, I hope to write a whole post about my reasons for considering home education. I’m sure I’ll get it written before he turns 18!

 

Anyway, we went on holiday a couple of weeks ago. Just a cheap caravan holiday, but I’m apparently not used to holiday parks and wasn’t best impressed, but Benedict had a wonderful time, there was trains, buses, a sea life centre and a LOT of muddy puddles to jump in. My husband did manage to lose his brand new Bobux boots. They were so lovely. He is so forgetful – he left them on top of the car – again. He left his wallet there not long ago. Makes me mad.

We’ve also been ill with some virus or another, pretty much constantly for the last 6-8 weeks. And just started with another virus. Yuck. I hate being ill.

 

Here are a couple of pictures of Benedict on holiday. IMG_20141009_142647

 

IMG_20141009_141306

 

I will blog SOON. Honestly.

 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

I know it’s been so very long since I’ve blogged. I’ve got plenty of half written blog posts and not managed to finish them or publish them. Sigh, busy busy life. Anyway, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness today, I lit a candle for my Gideon, and for all the babies gone too soon.

10714377_10152312685757610_4609033111046206526_o

I can’t believe it’s been three waves of light. Three years since my baby boy left this earth. I know I need to blog more, so I am really going to try. I’ll write a different post for updates on us, this post is about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

 

18 months

My tiny little boy turned 18 months yesterday! What? How is this possible? Very odd. I’ve been so busy that I barely noticed it happening.

We went on holiday last week to Hay on Wye. Just for the week in a rented cottage. But we had a lovely time. Benedict was happy because he had his nana with him all day every day. This boy does loves his nana!

Also the house overlooked farm land. And every morning we saw a friendly cockerel outside the kitchen window, which was pretty much the most exciting thing in the world to Benedict. There was also sheep. He spent most of the days baaing and cock-a-doodle dooing.

He had a great time exploring, running around, and the house had a lovely garden – which we don’t have, and he spent every possible moment there.

Here are some pics

10489642_10152112855387610_6315428416975984460_n 10525365_10152112855012610_6278971047212431677_n

he loves to carry the umbrella. That was at Llanthony Priory. It was just breathtaking.

10440655_10152112854887610_2647132868304862051_n10526007_10152112854582610_3207604519784680491_n

 

and he met dinosaurs

10502106_10152107697732610_5208645046375311707_n

and here’s a picture of him the other day, sitting on his new scuttle bug

10464225_10152118070062610_646518924271271834_n

 

of course, being Benedict, he doesn’t just sit on scuttle bug

10553468_10152126860657610_8680930261031766039_n

haha! He’s so adventurous. And always friendly

10259311_10152066563437610_5108136114934907563_o

 

he can be a little grumpy determined. Especially if he doesn’t get enough sleep, or he gets up too early. Or he’s teething of course. He has acquired about 6 teeth in the last 6 weeks, so the poor boy has hardly been happy.

Anyway, I’ve weaned him down to only 3 feeds a day, and research suggests that hydroxy is actually safe for nursing, especially as he hardly feeds much now, so I’ll start it when I see my doc next month and wean Benedict with no huge rush.

I must go to bed. It’s 11pm, and I’m sure Benedict will have me up at 6am tomorrow.