So it’s been 3 months since my half thyroidectomy. I thought I’d update with my scar now.
Its kind of red, but it’s getting there. It’d noticeable, but I think only if you’re looking at it, only doctors and nurses notice it most of the time. It doesn’t really bother me. I’m happier without the annoying plus sized thyroid anyway.
My husband is going away for the week for work at the end of the month and as luck would have it, I got an appointment for my abdominal ultrasound that week AND an appointment at the movement clinic. I desperately need this ultrasound, they have to figure out what’s causing these issues. I’ve found I’m best off eating very little at all, around 800 to 1000 calories a day, it limits the pain. Yet I’m not losing weight. I can’t take children with me for the scan, which leaves me asking my mother to take time off work. One of the major issues with home educating children, no time to get stuff done. And they will have to come with me to the movement clinic, that will just be a follow up on my brain MRI and my tremors.
My little Benedict turned 6 this week. 6. It hardly seems possible that my tiny baby is 6. He came into our lives like a whirlwind, and he is so full of intelligence and love. He’s sensitive and full of energy. He’s kind, so kind and thoughtful and he’s full of fire and excitement. We made him a stack of cookies, as he doesn’t eat cake, and went to legoland.
So, of course, Christmas is fast approaching. I’ve not felt motivated to do anything, but I’ve still done it. My tree is beautiful, my lights twinkling, santa has been seen and talked to, gifts are mostly bought and I’m getting more tomorrow.
I am here, I am present. My children are so excited to open their gifts. My son wants transformers, my daughter wants pigs. If I could make my body and mind better, that would be my Christmas wish. Having a healthier body would help my mood anyway. The wishes I have for christmas are impossible to grant: Health, Gideon, financial security.
It would be easier if I just wanted transformers, if my wishes were something I could buy boxed on a shelf. If health was as easy to choose as turkey. Instead I’m choosing happiness. It’s not boxed, I can’t pick it up from a shelf, and when I choose it, it’s often so hard to find, hidden among all the hurt and sadness, buried away, disguised as a dream. But still I chose it. Today, now, tomorrow, for Christmas, during all the trials, I choose happiness. Because, I deserve it. We all do.
I’m so tired of being ill right now, virus after virus has drained me of every inch of patience and sanity. This current virus has me with horrible sinus, facial, head, teeth and jaw pain. Recurrent sinus infections suck. Nothing touches the pain, not even my strongest cbd. And I’m getting muscle cramps and joint pain. The surgery seems to have triggered my connective tissue disorder. It’s worse than it’s been in ages.
My remaining thyroid is functioning well enough. I don’t need supplements. So I’ve been discharged from the endocrinology clinic and ent now. It should be good. It should be hopeful, but it feels hollow. I feel so unwell. So tired. So sick. So much pain. I feel like I can’t move forward right now. Chronic illness sucks. It’s Christmas soon and I need to be well enough. I need to claw back some health. I can’t even take painkillers, they hurt my stomach. I feel like I’m a mess. A bit fat mess putting on a bright smiling mask for the world. I refuse to regret having the surgery. Because it was a treatable problem. And treating it took the hyperthyroidism issues out the equation. I’m coming back stronger. I will. Because I need to.
Today, is world prematurity day. Prematurity sucks. Medicine has come along so much over the years, but it still sucks.
It sucks knowing your baby will be born early. It sucks worrying about their chances of survival. It sucks waiting to see if they’ve survived birth. It sucks watching them suffer. It sucks not being and to hold them for days or weeks. It sucks leaving them behind and going home. It sucks walking in and seeing serious faces and wondering if it’s about your baby. It sucks being called into the private room to talk about your baby. It sucks being told they will be brain damaged if they survive. It sucks being told your baby died and was brought back. It sucks seeing your tiny baby cry silently through the vent. It sucks watching them have seizures over and over again. It sucks making choices which could be so wrong. It sucks telling them to remove life support. It sucks watching your child die. It sucks knowing you have to say goodbye. It sucks wondering if they might have survived. It sucks carrying the coffin of your firstborn. It sucks grieving every day. Boy does it suck.
It doesn’t have to be this way. We can prevent many causes of prematurity and many of the causes of neonatal death. So others may not have to go through that. Like I did.
I can’t pull myself up out of the haze. My resting heart rate had been a little low today with lows of 52. Now, I know I’ve been hyper for years, but that seems quite low. So I wonder if my thyroid isn’t quite functioning as well as it should. Plus, I’ve read that once your body is used to being in a hyper state, it no longer functions at normal levels of thyroid hormone. It resets its normal. I don’t know until the 4th December if my right thyroid needs help. But I’m so tired and quite low, so at least it would be an easiesh solution. But since nothing is ever easy, I doubt it.
I have been feeling so unwell, stomach pains again, excessive bloating and discomfort that I tried to fast a bit today. Its the only thing I know that actually helps. But it was difficult.
My scar had been sore. Sore, a bit red. Probably nothing, but I rubbed some cbd rub into it. Which helped.
It’s weird, I haven’t had low mood in ages, but life throws grenades at you, with my surgery, marital problems, financial issues and poor health, I struggle to keep my head above the water, my smile on my face and hope in my heart.
If I could sum up how I feel right now, it would be… Somethings coming. I thought it was thyroid cancer. I feel like I’m waiting for something but I don’t know what. I can’t explain it. I hope it’s just hypothyroidism. Well not “just,” but easier to fix. Hopefully
Recovery is going great. My scar is healing very nicely. It can look red because I’m so fair skinned, but that’s normal.
I walked the walls of our local castle this weekend. I’m a bit less fit than I was before surgery, but I’m getting there. I’m very tired and my muscle twitches returned with a vengeance this week, treated of course with cbd oil. I don’t know if my thyroid is functioning optimally or not.
Due to a lull in work, I’ve been able to spend time editing my recent book. Collecting info on characters and plot, pulling scenes apart like an old jumper. I want to get that published in the new year. There’s a lot I want to do. And I don’t want to keep putting everything off. Writing is my calling, it always has been. And I’ve put off all this stuff for me, for so long, something has to change. If I want to make a living writing, I have to fill my life with writing. And getting my body to optimal health, whatever that means for me.
And not staying up until 1:30am arguing on Facebook.
So that probably means I should sleep
I had my follow up appointment today, and yep, no cancer. He actually hadn’t looked at the results until I was sat right there. It said something about follicular cells and no evidence of vascular something. And it was 6cm x 5cm x 5cm It’s actually all done with. He discharged me from the ENT clinic. Unfortunately my last blood results didn’t go through, I don’t know if they lost the sample or something but whatever, it didn’t happen. So I don’t know if I’m hypo or hyper or euthyroid. I have an appointment with endocrinology in December so we can assess that then.
It’s a bit weird. Years of this thyroid causing issues, worrying about growth, worrying about the surgery and its all done with. I feel almost lost, it’s hard to explain. I can move forward and try to sort out my other health issues. Claw back health. I don’t know. It’s a tired sort of day. I need to redefine myself, healthy, fit and strong.
I think I put a lot of eggs in the thyroid basket. I had a lot of hope of things improving and changing. I knew half of it wasn’t going to happen, but it made it easier if I thought “maybe once my thyroid is sorted…” and of course, most of it hasn’t changed. I still have major reflux, stomach issues, lymph node pain, fatigue, some shaking, although less, joint pain, headaches… And I’ve got to accept that they are my life. They aren’t being cut out with the thyroid. This is me and I need to do my best to help the best me live my best life. Whatever that means.
We took the kids to home Ed group today, they saw their friends and had fun and messed around. And we ended up waiting for 1.5 hours past my hospital appointment to be seen. So they were very restless by then. And it took 5 minutes after all that.
To another day. And better health.